Things that break my heart

As it is the Christmas season, most of the time I'm happy.  Shoot, most of the time I'm pretty freakin' happy!  I have an awesome life.  I have beautiful children, a loving husband, a job in a career I love, dogs, cats, guinea pigs, hamster, fish, a roof over my head, food in our belly's and electricity to make the lights on the tree light up.  
However, there are things that are weighing heavy on my heart lately.
1. Recently my sister has come into some...well, we'll just say domestic issues.  My husband and I offered her a way out, and a place to stay while the 'issue' was resolved.  She has accepted twice, and turned us down 3 times.  :(  She is an adult, she can make her own decisions, but I hope for the sake of her son she makes the right one.
2. My mom's dog passed away this past weekend.  She had to be rushed in for emergency surgery, and when they opened her up, she was full of tumors.  My mom had to make the very difficult decision to just have her put down while she was still on the operating table.  This is extra hard for us, because we lost our family dog almost the same exact way.
3. Telling my patients/residents that I have accepted a position at a different facility.
4. Telling my sister that I can't afford to bring her down for 3 weeks while her son is at his fathers house for Christmas.
5. Being the big sister.

All of these things RIGHT NOW going on break my heart.
I told my husband this morning that I don't wanna be the big sister any more.  I don't want to fix anything any more.

  Just for today. 

 Let me have today to not worry about anything other than just my family.  My small (hey, it's small to me) family of 6 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, 1 hamster, and fluctuating number of fish.  I want to be mom and wife today.
This by no means is a statement of uncaring.  I care a lot.  I care way too much-is that possible?  I care a lot for these people in my life who are driving me cra....OMGosh, the laptop is now dis-functioning.  I can't finish that word, because the button for the letter that comes next in that word isn't working.

This week I have a mini-vacation from my soon to be old place of employment.  Yup! I've accepted employment elsewhere.  I'm not publicly announcing my disembarking because I want it to be final (sorry, can't write the word that I really want, because of that darn button!) and concrete before I make it "Facebook official".  Any-who, back to what I was getting at...I have so much to do this week before my vacation is over.  College stuff to get situated; for both me and my oldest, grocery shopping, asking the bank why my daughters "free" checking account was charged $15, calling about my student loans, getting everyone in to the dentist before we lose our insurance, calling other employment recruiters to rescind my application for employment.  I think Thursday I will...oh, wait, nope.  I have a pre-employment appointment at my new employer.  I will probably get a break next week when I have the equivalent of a long weekend off before I begin orientation on December 15.

OH! #6...the conflict at seminary...the ongoing conflict.  People trying to butt heads and the huge pissing war.  I thought we were adults?    I seriously thought we were adults trying to teach the children, and not a bunch of selfish people.  We are suppose to be creating spiritual wellness for our children, not petty choose sides crap.

As I sit here, I could probably think of more and more stuff to fill the "what breaks my heart" list.  today it just seems is a very break my heart kind of day.

So, with that muddled mess, and my heart feeling even more heavy today than normal, and what I thought would be cathartic, getting it off my chest, is clearly not.  So, I'll be going about my day.  Planning my trip so I can hit everything in one swoop around the city.  Ending of course with grocery shopping, don't wanna run errands in Florida with groceries in the car.  Sometimes, I miss being able to put my pop out in the snow rather than the fridge.  Snow is the perfect temperature for pop.  Seriously!

Oh, yeah, and on a completely different note, completely away from any kind of thought I've had here today...How the HECK did Fargo get nominated for any kind of award?  I understand how the female lead may have won something, but that's it.  I was so disappointed in this movie.  Holy Cow...for real people?  I mean, even for 1996 they could've done better, and with those high level of actors?  SERIOUSLY?  I found nothing about that movie entertaining.  NOTHING.

so, on that note.

Honey, 403.  :D

NOC life

"...remember, you treat her like a lady, and she'll always bring you home" -Bones

So, here I am.  Trying to figure out what to watch while I waste away the hours of over night.  My day was slept away.  I have been drinking less caffeine during the nights at work, so when I get home I'm not as completely wired, so I don't stay up all day.  I've been known to stay up until 2 pm in the past month, and then in order to even get sleepy I'm resorting to an off-brand PM medication.  After all this process, I'm completely exhausted when I wake up, and then the cycle starts again with drinking caffeine to arouse my body into a wakeful state.  Anywho-today I slept a good chunk of my day away.  I didn't plan on it, because, well, quite frankly I actually like my family and spending time with them.  I like sitting around doing nothing with them, even if that's all we do.  We don't have to go anywhere to enjoy being together, we, as a family, actually like being home together.  I KNOW!!! SHOCKER!!!!

So, back to me-because it's all about me.  ME ME MEEEEE.

Seriously, right now it is literally me. Watching Star Trek TNG by myself.  My own dog doesn't even want to come over here.  He's all wrapped up in his own curl of doggie-ness.  All 4 of my kids are sleeping IN THEIR OWN BEDS!  WOOT! and of course hubby-poo is in bed sleeping also.  The younger 2 will be getting up in about 2 hours for school.  The 16 year old doesn't have school today.  Ahh, the complexities of having children in private school.   Bank holidays, like Veterans Day, are no longer stay at home days.  It has become just an other day of school.  Working over nights I truthfully have no idea when a day is a holiday.  I thought today (Tuesday, November 11, 2014) was just another day. I don't remember dates well any more.  I didn't realize that it was 11-11.  Sure, the last night I worked I may have written 11-10 on everything, but that doesn't mean I really *know* what day of the week it is, or even what the true date is.  I go into work on one day and instantly begin writing the next day.  If it's the 2nd, I'm writing the 3rd.  Working night shift completely screws with the mind.  I have a complete love/hate relationship with my chosen shift.  

We get to see people at their worst.  For some reason, things are worse at night.  Fevers, illnesses, sun-downers, full moons.  It all adds up.  Sure, some of these things can happen on day shift, and they often do.  In fact, that's when you hear about this stuff happening.  But, what you don't hear about is how we deal with it, how we, the night shift have to deal with these things.  How a fever is treated with out calling a doctor.  How sun downers are redirected with out calling family members to come and sit with their loved ones.  

Now, don't think I'm committing anything illegal here, there are standing orders for things like fevers and such.  Yes, we do let family and doctors know, but there are things that can wait until morning.  Things that yes, if I were working day shift, and people are awake, that I could totally call the doctor for, or things that I could call the family for right then and there, because they are awake.  Working the night shift has taught me to use my own nursing judgement.  Day shift, yes you are doing nursing stuff, and have to use your nursing abilities, but, because I have less resources at night, I have to rely on myself to find the answers.  

Myself.

******Before I get all kinds of slack, I am NOT NOT NOT defacing or debacing my fellow nurses who work during the normal waking hours of normal people.******

That is scary and invigorating to me at the same time.  Seriously.  Me.  Amber.  Mother of 4. Nurse to 34.  HOLY CRAP!

I have to pull on my 2 years of nursing school, 20 years of healthcare, and 19 years of motherhood to get me and my patients through the night.  Most nights are completely smooth.  Most nights I don't need to pull on my major experience.  I do my assessments, which, yes, I learned in nursing school, so yes, technically every night I have to draw on that.  It's the nights when people decide to go walking, lose their balance, and hit the floor; it's nights when people decide that they need to succumb to their illness that they really need me to be a good nurse.  These are the moments I look back on and think about my abilities.  Stopping blood flow from a pulled out dialysis catheter, because my demented patient didn't know what it was.  Doing CPR on a patient because, well, that's what we do when they need CPR.  Doing neuro checks because someone fell.  All these things happen, have happened, and I'm sure will happen again.  But, these are the things that I don't have resources for other than myself and my fellow night nurses.  

We don't have management at night.  We don't have the luxury of being able to pass on something to our unit managers, we have to take care of things ourselves.  We are our own little working system, and I'm not sure at this point I would have it any other way.

"Only fools, have no fears."-Worf

MISSY'S HOME!!!! Day one...

and what is she doing?
Sleeping.  In her own bed.
She hasn't slept in her own bed since the end of May.  I'm pretty sure she's happy about it.
It's good to have her home.  I don't really wanna send her back to Oklahoma.  I know she's needed, and that's pretty much the only reason I'm sharing her; but I really don't want her to leave again.

The plans for today are (tentatively) go to the college and get everything cleared up so she can enroll in online classes for the first semester.  She's only home for a week, but we wanna get everything done that we can, and still have time to relax.

So, here's to the day!  MY MISSY'S AWAKE!!!
:-)

Day 2 of the adventures with Missy

That sounds so, adventurous.
Missy is home from Oklahoma, not where the wind goes sweeping down the plains, or whipping through the wheat, or anything like that. Home from Oklahoma where everyone dresses like they are going to "the Wal-marts".
I've never been there, so all I have to go on is the input of a judgemental 18 year old.  That is how she explained it to me, so that is where she is visiting from.

We really haven't done much of anything today, sat around, watching Ice Lake Rebels.  Talking about how every man should love his woman like Stephan loves Allyce.  Seriously. I've seen this meme:

I thought how awesome is that.  Now, not so much.  I don't want Gomez and Morticia any more, I want freakin' Stephan and Allyce!

So, moving on...Took Stephanie to Noah's so he could take her to seminary, took the younger 2 to school so they could, well, go learn something.  I started dinner (Missy's favorite-bean soup), and made breakfast (homemade hashbrowns).

We've watched TV, listened to music on YouTube, danced with the dog, and had a wonderful grand old time.

Then, Bill got up and the two of them began their "OMGosh, remember this song?" and "OMGosh, do you know this song?" so I moved on to things that I needed to do.  You know, because real life sucks and you actually have to do things to keep moving forward.
First of all, I loaded up my WOW launcher because, well, today is patch day-duh! (Ok, truth-hubby reminded me it was patch day and he wanted to know if the servers were up yet.)
Secondly, I started looking up schools to continue my education to get my BSN.  Why do some schools make it so difficult to find anything on their websites?  One college I looked at had their advising hours so buried that by the time I found it, I was pretty much ready to not to go school there; even though they have exactly what I'm looking for in my nursing career.  In order to advance my career I need a BSN, and in order to get that I need to go back to school.  It kinda ticks me off that schools know this, and some make it almost impossible to get there.  When I finally make a decision, and decide what school I want to go to, I wonder if I'm actually going to be able to GET into a school.
Ultimately I would love to get my DNP, but I have to start off small, little by little chewing away at the degrees one at a time.  Unless I win the school/university lottery and get into the RN-MSN program at USF.  DUDE! I would absolutely love to get into that program.  It's competitive, and I'm not sure I have the grades required.  However, I won't know unless I try right?

So, yesterday I went with Missy to get all her college stuff straightened out.  Tomorrow?  She's going with me to an information session!!

Please don't fall over dead...

I know!  How many posts can Amber post in two days?  I don't know either, but seriously, what is going on!

I've spent more time on the computer today than I have in a long time.  I went through some pictures, deleted the QUADRUPLE copies of some things, and made some room on my "cloud" storage so that ultimately we can get my computer reformatted.  I know, I know, man of my dreams thinks it's a pipe dream too, but seriously, I'm trying.  I have a LOT of pictures, and by a lot of pictures I mean HOLY CRAP WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL YOUR DISK SPACE IS USED UP! lots of pictures.  I want to put them on a seperate independent disk drive, that way I can keep the space open for important things, like...WOW, and maybe Guild Wars (Have a friend who says I totally need to try it), and maybe even Diablo III (which Hubby keeps trying to get me to play with him).  You know, IMPORTANT things.

Ok, so back to sitting here all day.  I got sucked into watching a 50 minute documentary after clicking on a link, and then clicking on an other link, and then another. It was a really good one too, so good that I was like "Crap, it's over?"

So, why am I blogging? Why would I take it to the interwebz?  Because, it just seemed appropriate.  Waste time on the interweb, post about on the interwebz.

So, back to what I was thinking about while going through pictures.  I take SOOO many pictures. I know I do, Hubby lovingly calls me a picture whore.  (it IS lovingly right? RIGHT?)  Looking through pictures from almost 10 years ago I realize how bad it is.  I'll take a few pictures of the same thing and the only thing that's different is that the wind has changed direction, and now that one leaf way up in the corner has moved. ever. so. slightly.  But then I see how the kids use to be, all sweet and innocent.

I know, it's a Christmas picture, it's October....get over it.

And stuff like this one.  The Christmas picture was taken while I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, and this is a picture of our 3rd daughter and my 9 month pregnant belly.

Looking back through pictures can be a bit humbling for me too, looking at where I had been, compared to where we are.  Looking at things in the background that at the time were just part of normalcy, now tell the story of my 20's.  (I could probably write a book about my 20's.  It's got some Jerry Springer moments that's for sure.)  Like the time my oldest daughter and her friend dressed up like "The girl from Joe Dirt".  (no, you will NOT see that picture no matter how funny it was/is/use to be)  Or, when they (My oldest and her friend) decided to get into the friends grandfathers adult diapers and put them on (over their clothes mind you).  It's great fun most of the time, but sometimes, the memories bring back a lot of head shaking and WTHeck was I thinking moments.
All moments that bring me to where I am today.  Where I have 4 beautiful girls, and the man of my dreams.

It's an old picture, and I'm thinking it's time to get a new picture of all 4 of the girls.  I can't even find the yearly Christmas picture I take!  What is happening here!  Hubby is going to take away my status!
Off to take more pictures!

Somewhere over the poop stained tapestry of life, black birds fly

No rainbows and blue birds, because that would hint towards perfection.  I don't really want perfection, I want this.  I want life.  I love my life as a mother to 4 beautiful girls, and wife to the man of my dreams.  Seriously, this IS the freakin' life!

However...when the blue birds of someone else's life poop on my head I get a little dreary of the black birds. (Red winged black birds of course :-D )  I see what others have that I strive for, only to realize that I have not tried hard enough.  If I actually sit and think about it, do I really want change? or do I just wanna complain about the situation?

Why so cryptic?  WTHeck am I talking about?   Two little letters....RN.

These two little letters have been the best and worst thing to happen to me this year.  SERIOUSLY!

I was so excited to have gotten my RN license.  I had finally achieved what I set out to do 18 years ago.  With the unfailing love and support of my best man I would have never made it. 

I got a job with the company that I have been with for 7 years.  That's awesome!  I have a good paying job, at a place I already know.  I have the experience countdown running! WOOT!!!!   

WRONG  

Because I have a job as an RN, I am disqualified from most "graduate nurse" or "new nurse" internships.  Right now I'm sitting at 5 months experience as an RN, which puts me one month away from "graduate" status according to another internship, but by the time the internship starts, I'll have 7 months of experience.  

I've felt such a mix of emotions since getting my RN.  I'm crazy angry, and crazy jealous, and elated when I can actually use my knowledge.
I'm stuck in this stupid night shift cycle.  I'm stuck....

I've been back to this entry several times.  It has taken me a long time to finish it, and the ONLY reason I'm finishing it is because the more I type, the more angry I get.
I don't want to be angry.  I don't want to be so disgusted with my degree that I end up being one of the many who don't make it 7 years.

I need to change my mentality.  Change my point of view.  

Job Hunting

The most horrific thing about job hunting (for me) is a resume.

   A PROFESSIONAL RESUME 

Seriously, it's like a whole new world.  As a CNA, I didn't really need much of a resume, just something that said "Hey! I've had so many years of experience and yes I finished high school."  Now that I have to do one on a professional level, it's like it's own job.  Wording, and placement, and cover pages.
COVER PAGES....
Now make each and every one of those jobs you want, a completely separate resume and cover page to show off what YOU PERSONALLY want to bring to the table at their company.  It's exhausting, and probably why I have not heard anything from any of the places I've applied for.  I can make a GREAT generic resume.  Seriously!  In my college learnin' class I was the bestest resume maker!  Now, here I am a professional, no longer a lay-worker, no longer a "Take a 6 week class and make less than the dude at McDonalds" worker.
I'm freaking out man...like, I'm tripping on acid and watching The Wall explode.

There are so many things I wish I knew before I got to this point in my "nursing career".  Things like: even though they say a new graduate is less than 6 months nursing experience, it really means we don't want you to know a single thing about working as an RN, because that will taint the perfect knowledge WE will give you, or RN means instant supervisor-new or not.
I know that there is a stigma attached to being a nursing home nurse.  I know that nursing home nurses think that hospital nurses are spoiled because they 'only' have 4-6 patients.  I also know that there is NO WAY to compare the two.  It is two completely different areas of nursing.  NO, I did not say levels, I said areas.  I do a lot of high acuity nursing where I work.  I've done low acuity nursing in the hospital.
The skills are the same, it's just how it's applied.  The 30 patients I take care of on a nightly basis, the 3 I took care of in the hospital; same assessments, same care, a lot more prioritization.  I've learned a lot, and I have aquired a lot of skills that were never touched on in nursing school.  I have had a number of wonderful nurses to draw from, and a number of horrid experiences to learn from.  All this coming together into a wonderful ball of nursing.
How exactly do I put this out there, into the universe, how much I've learned, how much I care, and how much more I want to see and do and learn!

I begin to search for jobs (or as they are called in this level "careers") I start to get discouraged because as soon as you click the apply for this job button it asks for a resume; and I remember that horribly disfigured creation I've tucked under the rug.
It's so bad, I've thought of paying someone to make me a resume.  SERIOUSLY!

So, here it is, me, putting it out into the universe that I need to get off my butt, and out of the pity party and make a resume.  Just one.  Then, maybe I can go from there.  After the resume, then maybe I can put together a cover page.

Amber = Craziness!!!

There are so many things I think about on a daily basis pertaining to blogging.  I'll do something and think "OMGosh! I need to blog about this later" and then later never comes.  

I even deleted blogger off my phone to make more room for other applications that I use more often.  However, I think "I should put that back on, because at least then I can start a blog". 

but I never do.

and then I end up like this.  I'm so tired from not getting much sleep the past few days that I feel high.  Seriously, I feel like my head is about 10 feet in the air.  But, I wanted to blog, and here I am blogging about nothing.  Nothing at all.  But isn't that what blogs are for?  For me to journal and for the world to stumble across?  

Stumble away world.  Stumble away.  I think I'm going to take my crazy self to bed. 

Maybe then I'll blog something that makes sense.  

Maybe I'll finish that blog I started 10 minutes ago when I have a clear head and know what I want to say.

Maybe...one day.....

but as a procrastinator, (and a whiney one at that); the day may never come...or will it?

So, here I am.  

Sitting in my Thumper scrubs. 

Rubbing my feet on the legs of the chair trying to decompress them from standing up and walking all night.

Listening to the younger 2 girls play minecraft. 

Listening to the water in the fish tank cycle (it's actually putting me to sleep because I'm focused on it the most)

I ate a bowl of cereal, and am drinking a can of coke.

I believe all is right in my world for these few seconds...

I don't think I'm making any sense, in fact I think I'm just randomly putting words together, like Louisiana mailbox in Portugal.  Seriously, where did that come from?

Good night people of the internet.  Good night.

Oh crap, they are singing "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman"  

time to go!

Disgusted

It has been a while.  I've gotten my license and started working as a nurse. I'm on the midnight shift now and I love it. Less stress than days by a mile.
Now it's on to what I've always put off. Losing weight. Seriously, I've never really committed long term to it.  This time I need to be. I need to be healthier.
I want to go vegetarian again. Not because I don't like meat, but because it's healthier. I ate way too much last night. I ate all my allotted calories in one sitting! Now my stomach hurts so bad I wish I could vomit on demand just to relieve the pressure.
I need to be healthy.
I need a kick in the butt.

The Good, the Bad, and the Down-Right Ucky...

So, first we'll start with the good.  Friday I took the dreaded NCLEX.  It shut off at 75 questions.  UGH, talk about thinking you failed.  I thought for sure, how could I be one of the people who actually passed their nursing boards with the minimum amount of questions?  I was pretty sure I had joined the "FAILED in 75 questions club".  However, I was wrong in my worry, and I totally PASSED!  I'm so happy I could scream! I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried on my husbands chest, and I cried into his shoulder.  I cried tears of happiness about passing.  I cried tears of exaltation about never having to work as a CNA again unless I wanted too.  I cried to my Mom, and my Step-mom.  I cried so many flippin' happy tears that I think I ran dry.  It was a great day!  We had a celebration!  We went out to dinner at Longhorn.  It was so yummy and delicious.

Then the next day happened.

I woke up all kinds of happy.  I am now a Registered Nurse.  I have finished my schooling and proved that I can function at the minimum level required by the State of Florida.  YES!  I AM WOMAN!
(insert screeching tire noises here)
nope.
not happening.
Apparently corporate has to "change a few things" and blah blah blah which could take up to 2 weeks.  That's right.  TWO WEEKS.  I am livid.  I am beyond livid.  I have officially seen red.  I left work very unhappy and came home.  I cried in my husbands arms again.
To make matters worse, I had a dr's appointment that morning, and cleaned out the receipts in my purse.  I forgot that I had a $10 bill wrapped up in one of them.  So, on top  of feeling crappy about work, I literally threw away ten dollars.

Then I got to go to work.
As an aide.

Coming into work was bitter sweet.  The overnight nurse was clapping and saying "Congratulations!!!!" and all I could do was give her a look and said "no".  She said "No, really congratulations! You did it!"  So, I explained my story.  Since I was in such a foul mood, I came to work at the normal time, (I am usually early) so every aide for 7-3 was there, along with the aides for 11-7  EVERY one of them stopped to listen to my very, well, uh shall we say colorful description of what happened, and how I felt about it.  I told all the aides there, that under no certain terms was I doing ANYTHING extra.  I am here to do my job, and I am going to do "my job" and go home.  I was not a very good person to be around today.  Seriously, I didn't much like myself.  So, I had to change my attitude.  Maybe I'm in need of a big piece of humble pie? Maybe I'm too cocky in my new found nurseness?  Maybe, just maybe this is Karma for something.  Maybe I need to just go with the flow
I've accepted my fate for the next two weeks.  I'm not happy about it, just accepted it.  I will go in, and perform my duties to the best of my ability.  I will be happy when corporate makes up their mind to let me push a cart.
Until then...I will breath.
And restrain my mouth and opinions.

Twas the Night Before NCLEX

Twas the night before NCLEX when all through the house tensions were stirring as my anxiety aroused.  Chores to be done before going to bed, trying avoid the houses sense of dread.

The children completing their chores all at one time, while I try to contain the anxiety that's all mine. With D.T. on the tablet and Me on the phone, the kids seemed to have no supervision at all.  When out from the living room arose such a noise I ran from the room thinking "Are you sure they're not boys?" Away to the door I flew like a flash, I opened the door just to hear something crash.

The light of the living room so dull and low, gave a glow to all in it like ghosts of old. And what do my wandering eyes see? 2 little children smiling at me.   I knew in a moment I wouldn't be surprised to hear my sweet children say "dunno".

Rapid I barked out orders from my throat. Quickly I yelled and blurted kinda like a goat.  Now Pony go shower cause you really stink.  Brina stop reading that stupid thing.  Irene what are you doing? It's not time for bed. Missy what is that crap on your head? 

As quick as I barked the children went silent.  Now I thought I can read about psych...it's not really studying you see, but how to answer questions that always fooled me.

A question that has 4 answers that are all right. But only one that is the MOST right.  Is it airway or breathing, WAIT isn't that the same? Nope it's not, at least not in thd nursing game.

The stem of this problem is hidden so well, do I take the patients temp, or cut off his ear?  Oh how do I know which answer to pick?  I'm not a doctor, maybe that will be the trick?  How do I know which right answer to pick?  OMGosh the needle is how thick?

With the book in my hand and words swirling in my head, I knew at this moment I'd almost rather be dead.  So I sit and I listen and think to myself; "where are my children? Its awful quiet in here."

I found them all in there rooms being good.  Looks like threatening them worked really good. 

The final countdown... again

So the NCLEX is 2 days away, actually it's less than that and what am I doing?  Watching T.V., cooking dinner, going to Wal-Mart, starting a baby blanket for a friend.  You know, the typical avoidance crap. Sure I feel the need to study, and want to pass but if I give in to my freaking out what will become of it?
Probably a really good study session. LOL.

However it felt good sleeping in until after 10, and watching 3 episodes of "Fringe".  But now that the house is quiet I can hear my NCLEX book calling name, my Kaplan account stomping its feet in a tantrum,  and most of all my test anxiety is screaming "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR ATT IS????" 
Ahhh the thoughts of a crazy Amber.  Sometimes enjoying the silence causes me more craziness.
Tonight is Church for the girls.  I'll study then.  I did last week and it was pretty fruitful.
So, less than 48°  (That's an hour sign, not degrees) until I start my NCLEX. 

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

I'm excited and scared!!!

Gasparilla 5k

We did it.  Shelby and I walked/jogged the 5k.  We finished in 54:34.  Most awesomest thing ever.  Can't wait too do it again.

The big day

Today I picked up Shelby's and my bib number for the gasparilla 5k.
Downtown was horrible! Parking sucked, but we made it to the convention center in one piece!
Shelby's nerves are a little frazzled right now.  She has a slight tummy ache.  Me? I'm in parent mode trying not to freak out. I'm excited, scared, excited, ready, and excited! LOL. I'll be happy when it's over though.  Probably because it's the first, and hopefully not the last.  I like to run and hope Shelby continues to be my running partner.  (Maybe Bill will join us next time? Who knows. LOL)

NCLEX Bound

Well.  I signed up for my test finally.  2 weeks from friday is the big day.  Im totally scared and excited, but mostly excited.

Yay!!!!
Im so freaking happy!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm a nurse"

I said these words today.
After the incident, I felt the shakes so bad I couldn't think straight.  My mom says it's probably genetic. She calls it the "Ok, someone else is here to handle the crisis I can freak out now" shakes.

I took my oldest and my youngest to the State Fair today.  On our way out we stopped to get me a funnel cake (a must) and my oldest deep fried cookie dough.  (We both shared with the youngest because she couldn't make up her mind.)  While we were waiting, one of the girls ahead of us fell onto the ground.  I heard someone say "She's having a seizure".  I watched, I waited, and I realized people are unknowing of what to do.  Here I am surrounded by a bunch of kids yelling "Don't touch her" "Leave her alone" One person was actually smart enough to ask the trash collector if he had a way to get in touch with the higher ups at the fair so she can get assistance.  All this was in the course of about 30 seconds, maybe less.  It finally dawned on me: "OMGosh! I know what to do!"  I handed my stuff to my 8 year old and got down beside the girl to roll her over on her side when the teenage girls started yelling "LEAVE HER ALONE, LEAVE HER ALONE"  One boy then said "No, its her mom"  I said "No, I'm not her Mom, I'm a nurse."
I rolled the girl over and she popped up like nothing happened.  She seemed quite embarrassed, and I asked her if she was ok, and she said "Yeah it happens all the time".

So, I had to walk away, because I was feeling the "shakes" come on.    Sans goodies.

It was an awesome feeling to actually KNOW what to do, but at the same time, the 'after-math' of crisis mode sucked.

I took Shelby to make a dipped beeswax candle in Cracker Country.  Zsusanna got a huge piece of sugar cane.  I got rid of my shakes.

We went back to the goodie stand, got our fattening treats, and went home.

You Jelly? Totes

I am happy for them.  Really.  But watching the numbers count of my nursing school classmates who have taken the NCLEX and passed get higher makes me cry.  Yes, I cried happy tears for a few ( read=one) but when I see more and more people add up I cry because of what I have done to myself to ge me here.  Looking backwards past the struggle just get to get through nursing school, and into the mindset of an 18 year old teenager who never thought about the future, never thought anything she did would affect her life negatively down the road, I want to reach back in time and smack myself!
I want to grab myself by the shoulders and scream in my own face WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!!!!!  Don't do it. It's not worth it.  I could be an RN by now if that self-centered too big for her britches little girl had just gone home that night.
I can recall it.  I can see it.  I can feel the cold, the heavyness of my varsity jacket, the look on the cops face when i attempted to smart mouth him.  Hind sight is always 20/20, and in this case it certainly isn't getting blurrier.
I try to implore to my children that everything they do matters and will come back around to them eventually.  This took me 20 years but here I am.  Lying in bed crying because that little girl 20 years ago thought she was so cool. 
Tomorrow I get to go down and get fingerprinted.  Ironic, its 2 days shy of exactly 20 years after my arrest.

"Who wants to go shopping with me?"

Fateful last words of a semi-sane Amber this morning. Truthfully the girls who went with me really were quite awesome.  However they decided to wait until we got home to drive me crazy. 
Actually...it was after our last stop.  We were discussing dinner (our new thing is cooking hotdogs over a fire) when my 15 year old said "did you get the hot dogs?"
"CRAP!"
i hear snickering from the back of the van
"Shelby you didn't tell me I forgot hot dogs."
(Frantically she replies) "I didn't mark it off. You didnt tell me you forgot it. I didnt know"
"It's ok.  We'll figure it out"
(Once again from another kid all snarky and smart-like) "what are we supposed to cook over fire then?"
(Me) "I guess I'm making soup"

So we get home. Everyone pulls groceries in, and kids start pulling butter out of the box, asking to eat random things I bought at the store, and "forgetting" where things go and getting mad when I say "thats not where that goes"  I also love it when 2 hours later I find a bag of groceries NOT put away.  At least today its not perishable.
And every time I say "never again, what was i thinking?" Yet I always sau "Who wants to go to the store with me?"

Parenting sucks

Forget just parenting, it should be life.  Life really sucks.  Or maybe just being an adult?  No, being a responsible adult sucks.  Seriously...it really sucks.

We are having a small problem with one of our girls.  I met with the vice principal on Friday, we talked about moving her school schedule around (we have decided to co-enroll her in virtual school). When I got home and started talking to my husband, he reminded me that I had forgotten that she has lunch with the "friends" that we are trying to keep her away from.  So I'm trying to type out an e-mail to the vice principal (she said to e-mail her, or I would've gone into the school again). Problem is, I can't find the words to say.  I know what I want to say, but for some reason every thing I put down on paper sounds like I'm a blubbering idiot who has no idea what I'm talking about. 

Either I have to have my daughter give up a class I think she'll benefit from, or the school will have to give up a class they think she'll benefit from (not that I think she won't...just not my 1st choice to keep her in).  OR the other possibility is that my husband will have to drop her off and go get her twice in one day.  I don't really seeing that as a viable option.  Seriously, that's a little bit stupid. 

Why does life have to be so rough and difficult?  I mean, can't I just snap my fingers and it all be poof?  Can't I click my heels together and make it work?
I know that I could sit back and just be all "Whatever man, she's a kid, let her be a kid" and I know that is what some people do and think, however I can't just sit back and let my kid do things that will negatively impact the rest of her life.  If it was a short term fall, that would be different, I'm all about real world consequences, but this is something that could potentially follow her for the rest of her life.  I'm not going to sit back and just let her go. 

So, I will go, and try to sound as coherent as possible, because I want what's best for my daughter. 

uhgggg  /facepalm

Sometimes, it's the little things

While I was combing one of my residents hair today, he said to me "That feels so good".  It was then that I realized that it's the little things in life that make it good.  Yes, we have BIG things that are awesome, but most of the time, it's the little things.  Things that make us smile because we know someone was thinking enough of us to do something little for us.
Like when someone brings me a bottle of pop I didn't ask for(that's soda for all you non-yankee's).  Or when my child makes my lunch for me.  It's these kind of things that put a smile on my face and make the day just a little bit brighter.

So, here are just a few little things that I love about my family.

Making my lunch while I was attending school.
Sending me random stupid texts.
Voicemails full of song.
Random post-it notes with little sayings (The current one says 'poop' LOL) .
Setting out my scrubs when I forget to .
Freshening our bed sheets.
Resetting my phone's background picture (although sometimes it's annoying, most of the time I find it awesome).
Tweeting to me (My older 2 girls sometimes get a little carried away with this)
Incorporating my likes into their school work.
Random run by huggings.

There is so much more I want to add, but I think you get the point.

I think I'm going to die.

Today is ONLY day 3 of training.  Shelby will never know this (unless she reads my blog) but I think

 I'm DYING!

Seriously. 

I took a bath (at hubby's persistant coaxing-which I'm thankful for), just so I could relax my muscles.  So, I took the time to watch an episode of DS9.  But now, I think it's time for bed.  This day shift stuff is rough.
Today was my first day back on day shift after being on 3-11 for about 6 months.  However, I was ready to quit by 8:30am.  I start work at 6:45.  I'm trying to remind myself that this is just a means to an end. 
I got permission to come in early every day so that will help me with my assigment, giving me slightly more time in the morning to do the things they think we should be able to do. (which they totally need to get on the floor and work an assignment, and THEN tell me it's do-able.)  Seriously, when we are 5 on the floor, that gives us 12 people each to care for.  Well, we have an 8 hour day, so that is 40 minutes a person.  Sounds reasonable when you put it like that right?  Well, lets break this down.  On day shift we have 2 meals, taking an average of 2 hours each.  So, there's 4 hours gone.  We are now down to 4 hours.  that's 20 minutes a person per day.  Not 20 minutes at a time with the patient/resident...20 minutes PER PATIENT PER SHIFT.
Now, each patient has to be tolieted every 2 hours.  If we have 12 patients, and and toliet each one of them, and say we ONLY take 5 minutes to do this; it's an hour.  So, by the time you walk from one room to an other, you have an hour between tolieting people before you have to go back and toliet from the begining.  Normally, however it takes more like 10 minutes to toliet someone, so now your looking at 2 hours, which means it's time to go back to the begining and toliet the first person. 

So, I only have 4 usable hours during my shift that I'm able to give one on one patient care.  This is not counting taking vital signs, walking from room to room, collecting linen (either clean or dirty), reporting things to the nurse, doing paperwork, answering questions or giving showers. 
Seriously, you wanna talk about not having enough time in the day?  You wanna talk about stress? 
I'm not going to break everything down right now, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I wanna scream. 

 I don't, but I so want to.


OH YEAH!
Happy New Year!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!

Well I was up for  my annual 10 minutes of celebration with my family happy new year