Hello Darkness My Old Friend....

I don't really think we are friends. 

More like, acquaintances. 

Friends don't shouldn't...
Maybe, really, the darkness is more of an old abusive stalking ex who never quite got the hint that you don't want anything to do with them.

I'm so sick of being sad.  I have moments of joy, of wonderful, of awesomeness; but then I also have these deep, almost deafening moments of sadness.  When I just want to cry, but I'm so sad that the tears won't even come out. 
It's like, the ball of emotion that is stuck in my chest won't move.  It won't budge.  It has simply taken up residence there and is reaching it's dark black tendril fingerlings into and throughout my soul.  Weaving the darkness of it's being around the life. 
It's not all consuming.  Oh no, not this one.  If it were all consuming, I may not even know it's there.  If it were all consuming, I wouldn't know that it's possible to be happy; or I may think that I was happy-after all, if I didn't know better, how would I know?
But no, this is not all consuming.  This is a divide and contrast of light and dark, of happy and sad, or overwhelming joy and deep plunging depression.
No, this illness wants me to know it's here.
It wants me to know that it has taken up space and residence, and no matter how many times I send an eviction notice, it finds a loop hole, and digs in a little deeper.

No.  This is not a transient being on it's way to nowhere land.  This darkness, whom I have been battling for most of my adult life (if not all of my adult life) has slowly been working it's way, disguising itself, almost, chameleon like, as part of me.  It took up residence--perhaps it started out as a transient, looking for a place to belong--inside of me.  By settling early in my adult life, I gave up on being happy.  By putting what I thought was more important things first, I gave up on me.

I didn't know it wasn't normal to cry all the time.
In my family, that's just what we do.
It's normal to us. 
I feel sad/happy/unknown--cry.

I know there are things in life that knock me down, and give me a little bit of push back, and make life difficult for a bit.  I know that we have to go through trials in this life, so we can learn all Heavenly Father wants us to learn.  I also know that he wants us happy.
My own decisions in my early adulthood made me unhappy, and for the past 16 years, I've been trying to chase those demons away.  Trying to weed out the tendrils of darkness that I have allowed to weave into my soul; only to fill the empty spots where the darkness was, with bulky scars that remind me what was there.

Forgiveness.
I just lectured my daughter on this subject.
She just gave a talk in church about this subject.
I've lectured myself about this subject.

Why is it so difficult for me to forgive myself?  I've forgiven many many people who probably were not sorry for their wrong doings.  But as much as I think I have forgiven myself....I have not.
Why can't I allow myself to heal?
Why must my mind constantly let me know that I have done wrong in my life, and despite the fact that I have made as much restitution as I can, my mind will not stop. 

The scars are too deep.
The scars are too tender.

My Imzadi is amazing, and he loves me for who I am, and I tell him when I'm sad, and he is amazing at holding me through the pain.  He fills me with everything I've always wanted and longed for; and he gives me willingly and freely to me-even when I'm my most dark and hateful.  He is the salve for my scars.  He is the healing dressing over the fresh wounds that reappear even though they are decades old.  He feels my darkness because he wills it away from me and into his being, just so I can get a moment of relief.  I selfishly let him take it, because in those moments I'm ok.
Sharing love is easy.  Love, and joy, and happiness are good feelings. 
Sharing the vulnerable feelings of sadness and hate are ugly, and raw, but they let him know who I truly am.
Sharing my soul with him, and him sharing his soul with me is THE MOST amazing feeling on Earth.  It is a love that I KNOW comes from divine design. 
Without him....I just don't really know where or how I would be.


My thoughts turn to my children now, and the thoughts in my head go strait to "OH, so they don't matter?"  The darkness plays this game.  It tries to destroy everything.
EVERYTHING
I refuse to let it. 
Sometimes I can't help it. Some days-I just crumble. 
There have been way too many of crumbling days lately.
But, when I look at my children, and I see them smile, not just in their faces, and upturned lip corners, but the true sparkly eye smiles, I also feel that happiness. 

I am lucky to be able to sit and in my darkest hours, when the darkness is peeling back scab after scab exposing fresh scars that were long lost, to be able to reach out with my soul, and feel the love of those around me.
I know I'm lucky.
I know that I have it so good.

In
This
Moment......
I know.

tooth pain sucks

Got my tooth pulled on my birthday.  It was a GREAT birthday present for myself.  It's the gift that keeps on giving.  Not how I wanted to spend my birthday, but hey, it needed to me done.  The stupid tooth broke back in January when I was in Michigan for my step-mom's funeral, and then the night before my birthday it broke off at the gum line.  The little pokey parts of my  tooth that were left were stabbing me in their anger of the loss of their friend.
So, I got that sucker pulled out the rest of the way.  Thanks to my imzadi for calling and making the appointment while I was at the regular doctor.  (yes, it was a day of medical wonderment for sure.) 
But, it's going on a week, and it still hurts.  I've had teeth pulled before, and I've root canals, and I don't remember them hurting this long afterwards.  I'm happy to not be taking pain pills constantly during the day any more, but it does get to the point where I need something stronger than ibuprofen to keep it in check.
I'm taking my youngest daughter to her second hockey game tonight.  You KNOW I'm gonna do some screaming and yelling! I just hope I don't regret it afterwards.  I'm not sure I'd be able to go to a game and NOT be a yelling fan, or cheering when we get a goal, and yelling at the refs because they're stupid.  (Par'ma'kai says I'm a horrible fan, and that he can tell I'm from the north, because I yell at my own team.)

Chic is watching One Direction.  TOTALLY forgot they are mostly from England, except Nial--Hermana Woerner will kill me if I don't say he's from Ireland.  I can't make 'generalizations' about this group, because the fandom runs deep with these two.  Chic is explaining an album song list to me, and how it tells a story.  I don't' think she knows about concept albums yet, and not that I *think* the album she's talking about is a concept album, but she's sure talking about it like it is. 
I remember when I learned what a concept album was.  I was already in my 20's. LOL, I told my mom about Operation Mind Crime by Queensryche, and how it told  story.  I'll never forget, she looked at me and said "Amber, that's what concept albums do." 
Dude, I was blown away. 
Unfortunately I was one of those kids who thought that my parents popped out of the Earth ready to be parents.  I knew there were things my mom did when she was a 'kid', but I guess maybe I thought it was a kind of matrix thing, where she was just fed those memories.  Well, now I know.  Some of those memories no one would willingly give to a child.  HOWEVER, now that I have kids of my own, I try not to have them think that I sprouted out of the Earth ready to be an adult.
WHOA, totally side track.  But it was a good one.

Well, I have to leave in about an hour to take Chic to the Blackhawks game. 
oh yeah, and I guess I should feed the ones staying home. LOL!
Lets Go Bolts!

Travel Day

Today my hermana flies from SLC to IAH. 
Today I received the kindness of astranger.  The kindness was to let my daughter use her phone to call and talk to me for about 45 minutes. (Ok, so 10 of those minutes were used up on my husband, and her older sister. LOL, but I'M CLAIMING THOSE MINUTES!!!!)  Then I recieved a picture of my daughter!!  I loved it!  I sent the lady a text message that said thank you for letting her use her phone to call; she thanked me for raising her.  OH MY MOMMA HEART IS FULL!!!!

Stephanie told me her first ward assignment is ...crap I can't remember. Lockwood?  I know she said 3rd ward Spanish speaking, but I think that was the right name.  I guess I could go on LDS.org and find out if that is even a ward in the Houston area. LOL
I'm so giddy right now.
Anywho, she told me the only reason she knows about her ward assignment is that she got an e-mail saying that the missionaries assigned to that ward have had their passwords changed.

Ok, OK.....I'm going to have to go and get my head ready  for class. 
Lets see if I can put my head into this game and concentrate on something other than I was able to talk to my hermana today! :D

Homework sucks.

Go get your bachelors degree.  It'll be great they said.  All it is is a bunch of papers.  I call BS.  Full on BS.  It's not just papers.  I can handle papers.  I'm GREAT at papers.  No, it's research.  Lots and lots of stupid research.  I mean, like....learning how to look up different terms, and what shortcuts to put next to the word so it looks exactly where you want it to look for that word, and not another word.  Confusing?  Yeah, it is to me too.

I do not want to do research.
I don't like doing this kind of research.
I don't know how many different "alternative terms" there are for Bedside Registered Nurses. 
For the love of the profession!!!  I seriously do not like this crap.

Now, pathophysiology?  Holy cow I love that class!  I love learning about the body, and how things work inside of it.  How the inflammatory response triggers SIRS, and how when that is left unchecked it can turn into Sepsis; and how this all boils down to damage on the cellular level, and getting back to taking care of the smallest parts of ourselves.  THAT is what I like to learn about!

NOT evidence based research searching guidelines.

And don't even get me started on how far behind I am on Spanish.  Why did I think I could handle taking 5 classes this semester?  I mean, it's only 3 at a time (Spanish is a full semester, and the nursing classes are 2 at a time for 8  weeks at a time) but still...

Thank You God for the gift of a loving and supportive family.  Without them, I would be nothing.


Ok, back to learning about boolean whatever they're called.

I'm 'ok'

I've been putting off this post for a while, because it's not an easy thing to admit to.
Admitting things to hubby is normally easy, but even this I sent as a text message.  I'm depressed.  So many things happened at once, and I couldn't handle it . Me. Mrs I can handle anything.
 I. Couldn't. Handle it.
So, while I was texting my husband about how I felt, and praying about what I should do, the phone rang, and it was the doctors office telling me it was time to make my appointment.  Ok, point taken.  I called and made an appointment.

Best decision I've made in a long time.

The first day after starting medication I rolled over, looked at Imzadi and said (actually I whined) "This is suppose to make me feel better." He told me I know better, that it doesn't work that fast.
I told him I know, but still...I wasn't a nurse at that point, I was a patient.
The next day I had to work, and I was "ok"  Literally that.  "ok"  I was able to go to work, and function.  Quite a different feeling than the last time I had gone.  I had a meltdown and cried at work the time before that.  The only reason I stayed and didn't walk out?  I didn't want to lose my license.  I at least still had the mind to think ahead and know that losing my license would detriment my family's life. I could not make them suffer on account of me not being to handle life.
The next few days I found myself getting better and better. 

A week later, I noticed at my daugher's volleyball game, I felt joy.  I got excited.  I'm feeling like I did before.  I hope this lasts.  I don't think I'll be on medication for the rest of my life, but I'm glad that I made the decision to RIGHT NOW take back my life and start feeling human again.

First P-day!

So, apparently in the MTC p-day is not always on Monday. Apparently it depends on when you arrive to the MTC.
Today was Stephanie's p-day and it was glorious!
We got pictures and correspondence from her.

She's already asking for a care package. She's asking for spicy peanuts.
LOL
 I'm exhausted as I write this, but I wanted to share that I got to "talk" to my baby today.

Monday Monday

So, I know there is this world-wide "hatred" of Mondays, but if your a missionary mom, Monday is the best day ever!
Tomorrow is my first Monday as a missionary mom, and I'm ready.  I'm so ready.
It's only been a little under a week, but I'm ready to hear from her.

Bring on the e-mails!



In lieu of her being gone, we have started to move her youngest sisters into the same room.  Or, maybe I should say, the 21 year old has made quick work of moving her baby sister out of her room.

 To say it is going well would be a lie, a flat out lie.  One kid has so much crap she almost puts me to shame (I know I'm a pack rat.), and the other wants to control how much crap comes into the room. 
Sorry to break it to ya dearie, all the crap is coming in, and melding with yours!  This is actually what they are going to look like I think...only  aiming at each other.

Right now I have a kid sleeping on the floor, who use to be on the top bunk, but somehow her mattress got switched to the other kids bed?  I don't get it either, nor am I going to try. Meanwhile, the other kid is sleeping on the top bunk because of the fore mentioned mattress swap.

 I have some time off during the week, and well, they have school, (well, I have school too, but I think I may have to take some matters into my own hands) and I may do some rearranging myself..

Or, I'll just suffer through their bickering and get mad, and deal with it.  Which is the more likely outcome.

But hey!
Tomorrows MONDAY!!!!!!!

Irma sucks

I'm sure I won't change my mind in 3 days when team b rolls up in here with fresh faces.
If you ever want to talk shit to a nurse, remember this picture, and know we make sacrifices for you, and our families have all sacrificed for you.
We are not with our loved ones right now, we are here...trying to sleep on this cold hard floor, during the day, in a busy hospital.

Good Night Tampa.

I hope you're here when I wake up.

The Call

It happened at 5pm last night. At 1647 to be exact.
It went a little like this..."hey Amber, it's ______, I have to call you back until 11.( that just means you come in late and go somewhere else, or you get cancelled at 11.) "
OK, did you hear anything about being activated?
"Yeah, you'll report tomorrow with all your stuff and be prepared to be here until Monday night."
Ok. (I had an audible pause.) Alright, I'll call at 9:30.

What just happened.
That was it, that was the call.
I am going to spend the next few nights at the hospital, because of this.

 

This gigantic wind maker.

I'm leaving my family-who Par'mach'kai and I have made sure will be safe.  I CAn't imagine his stress level, as he's evacuating with the kids alone...and his mother. Not to mention our 3 dogs, our cat, her cat, and Missy's guinea pig.

We're ready.

We are ready.

We will do this.

My bag is packed.

I brought food to work in advance to put in my locker.

I bought stuff for my family to have in advance.

We have a plan, the kids have assignments, we got this!

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, and I'm pretty sure hubby is too.

So, while my family is at "other Bills" I'll be here:

Stay safe Florida.

(I know this one is hard, but...) Be smart Florida.

The waiting game....

So much is hanging in the balance right now.
SO. MUCH.
Stephanie is suppose to leave Monday afternoon to go to Utah.
I may have to be at work all weekend. (like....at work, not leaving.)
We may have to evacuate.
We may  not have to evacuate.

All because of Irma.
Beautiful hurricane Irma.  Lets not deny her of her beauty.  Her eye wall is so well defined, and the way her cloud cover is holding up against the mountains of Haiti and Dominican Republic is amazing, and awe inspiring.

However, her destructive behavior is like a woman scorned on a drunken meth induced bender.

So, we wait.
And things get cancelled.
School, college, temple trips, Stephanie's open house, maybe Stephanie's flight.
And things get planned.
Evacuation stuffs: food, water, toiletries, bedding, clothes, the animals, shelter.
All this stuff I get to worry about while I'm at work. This will be our first evacuation without me. I trust that my husband will have everything under control-and we've already threatened my children's lives to be on their best behavior and comply (Like good little Borg drones.)

To say I'm nervous would be an understatement.
To say I'm worried wouldn't be a complete lie.

I have to work tonight, so I need to sleep, but the mom inside me is screaming to get the food rations in order.
No, I take that back.
I feel like I should be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off screaming and yelling, forcing the children awake as they watch me divvy up their food rations.  I don't want them to have any say in what they get, I just want them to watch so they know it's done.  I also just want them to be awake and spend time with me, so I can make sure that here in this moment, they know that I know they are ok-even if it's just for this moment.

The not knowing is killing me.

El año de la murte

So, this is how I do it huh?

Every year or so, make a blog posting, saying I'm gonna change my world,only to come back a year later in the same boat, or like this year a little worse off.
This year is barely half over, And my family has experienced a lot of death. The year started with my step-mom. It was hard. We were close at one point, but I'm not sure what happened completely, but in the end, we were mending our relationship,she had apologized for things she thought was her fault, and I forgave her, even if they were things I feel she didn't do.  She was is my parent, and I love her deeply.

My step-grandpa died, my moms cousin died, my aunts brother died, and that is just family. I have friends who have lost one of their parents.  This year is "El año de la muerte". I'm afraid for the rest of the year.

I don't want to be a tally mark for the year.

I don't want my husband to be a tally mark for the year.

and I most certainly don't want my children to be a tally mark.

TIME FOR CHANGE:
There has been a shift in my mind. I no longer crave instant gratification. I realize things take time, and that there is joy in the progress.
I'm hoping this is a permanent change in my mentality.  I'm fighting to keep it that way, acting as such daily since my mind flip.
So, in a year in a half, when I come back (you know that's my m.o.) I want to be able to say I changed, not the same 'ole same 'ole.

Here's to hopefulness!