These are the voyages of the Earthship, Amberprise

Sometimes, just sometimes, have to sit back and weather the storms that throws our way. 
First contact with other species (friendship).
Diplomatic missions (home/visiting teaching).
Away missions (work).
Ten forward (keeping up with the Jones's)
The Bridge (brain/emotional control)

The Battle bridge.

This is where I have spent the last 3 days.  The battle bridge.
Preparing for a battle, fighting a battle, licking my wounds, tending my pride, and my heart.
The battle bridge; where you can do the same exact stuff as in the regular Bridge, only with more feeling, and more gusto!

This is from October...Not sure why it didn't publish.
What was I trying to say, or not say by not publishing it. 
Sometimes I have no idea.

Early morning cuddles

Gator. LOL, he is my buddy.

Children are precious little reminders that life is not fair.

Today...what can I say about today...It's only 8am and I've already been overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and at a loss.
I didn't take anything to help me sleep last night, yet when I woke up this morning, I just couldn't get up at first.  I sat on the side of the bed thinking about how tired I was.  Bill even asked me if I wanted him to take the girls to seminary.  No, this is my ritual.  My time with the girls in the morning.  I got up, stumbled dressed, and made my way out of the door.  I didn't make a scene, because it's early, no one wants to deal with my nonsense.
Get out the door, get into the car.  Stephanie has the headlights on, but the car is off.  Proceed to explain to her that it sucks the battery down, and she should always turn the car on first, and to make a long story short, I also explained that the car needs to circulate the oil through the engine before you just take off.

Drove to pick up the boy we pick up for seminary-gladly didn't feel like I was going to die at the hand of my 17 year old driving a projectile weapon.  However, it was conversations that happened, that allowed me to think that perhaps an accident would be ok, because at least then I wouldn't have to listen to 15 year old logic, because I would be in a completely different room.  (Of course then the mother in me kicks in and thinks how terrible of a mother I am for even considering this, because of course at that point I wouldn't be worried about my own health, and happy to be away from my children, but instead worrying about them, and wanting to be with them to make sure I'm there to oversee anything that is done to them, because after all, even though I want to hang them by their toe nails from the tree out back like a deer, I really do love them and don't REALLY want anything bad to happen to them.)

15 year old logic.  (OK, ok, she'll be 15 in 12 days.)  15 year old logic says that I should NOT be a parent to other peoples kids, and should just let things go, and let nature take it's course. (not her words, my interpretation)  I should not inform other parents of things I "found out" based on what a 17 year old says.  I'm just a horrible horrible person I guess.

Drop kids off at seminary.  Say good bye to all 3 kids, say see you tomorrow morning to the boy I pick up, and he looks at me like "huh?"  Then I realize that I normally say "Have a good day" and wonder if my change in words has aflicted him in some weird way.  Try to say bye to Stephanie, but she doesn't wanna be late, and my own brain fart made me late on telling her "I love you see you after school".  I also was thinking that I needed to speak with 15 year old logic girl, but realize they have 3 minutes before seminary starts, so I had to make it quick.  Overwhelming time crunch came down on me at that moment, and obliterated everything in my mind.  I looked at Brina and said "What's wrong"  (this in our house is a no-no with her.  This is when ADHD is not your friend, because the no-no can of worms is HUGE.)  She went on her speal for a few minutes and I told her "We'll talk about this later at home." and I reminded her that she is grounded and not going to her volleyball game because (surprise surprise) she has a D, no wait, she has TWO D's.  As she's walking away she is trying to explain P.E. class to which I say, just be there when I pick you up after school, to which she replies "I still need spandex"  What?  What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?  SERIOUSLY!!!!  Did I miss something? because for sure I wasn't in this conversation she was having.  I must have slipped into a time warp, or fell into a worm hole and went missing...something, because....I love my children...I love my children.

"Bye Brina, I love you."

I'm going to the gym.  I have my arm band, I have my headphones, I have my water, I have my key.  Where's my key?  OH....MY.....HOLY....CRAP....WHAT. THE. CRAP.  /smash head into wall.
My gym key is on my key chain at home, hanging in the kitchen on the key thing.  OK, no gym for Amber.  At this point, I had been awake for hour.  A completely frustrating hour.

Drive to Walgreen's, get morning drinkage with not much incident.

Come home, get Shelby up without much incident.

drive her to school without much incident.

get on Facebook and lose track of time with out much incident.

I really hope the rest of the day is without incident, because I'm not sure I can handle any more crap right now.

Although things I need to do:
1. Shop for car insurance.
2. Crochet
3.  Watch Voyager

2 of those 3 things are awesome, the other-not so much.

On that note....I'm walking away people...walking away.  Maybe I'll make myself some breakfast-or something.

Christmas in August

I know, it's now September, but seriously it was just August yesterday.

Went to Kmart yesterday with my husband and oldest daughter to get a few things, and found the Halloween section.  It was, of course and most properly, right across the aisle from the Christmas decorations.  The lawn chairs were also most properly facing the Christmas decorations, which were in turn flanked by Halloween candles, and Thanksgiving decorations.  I think Kmart said "Screw it, lets put everything out there and let the people decide.
There were some seriously cute candles!
...but I'm not paying $25 for one.  Just because they are flame-less, and when you turn it on there is a fan that makes the sparkles inside one fly around, and on another it makes little ghosts and skeletons chase each other.  I WILL NOT pay that much for them!  NO SIR!  (OK, I really really want one, but just can't justify $25 on something I'm going to put up once a year-oh wait how much was our Christmas tree?)

I'm actually excited for Christmas this year.  I was excited last year too.(I think)  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

Anywho, I just wanted to come on here, let you all know (all one of you-Hubby Poo :D ;) ) that I'm still alive, and still (un)actively blogging.  LOL

Feel the BUUURRRRRRRNNNNNN

Been a while since I've come here, as often is the case.  Blogging seems to come and go for me, not that I don't enjoy it, but with the way I'm so sporadic about it, you wouldn't think I actually like it.

Lately I've been dealing with the realization that I have some kind of nerve damage in my left thigh.  I don't know what happened, but for the past year it has been getting progressively worse.  It use to only bother me after I worked 4 8-hour days in a row at the nursing home.  Now, I find myself hurting after just one day at the hospital.
Since I've made the decision to actually GO to the doctor about this problem, I've been paying more attention to it.  (Where as before I was trying to ignore it, because I figured my legs were just fatigued.) I want to get an accurate account of what it really and truly feels like so I can tell the doctor what is going on.  Most of the time, it's just numb, and if I'm just sitting it doesn't feel like (much of) anything.  However, at work, by the time my shift is over, it feels like water is dripping on that part of my leg.  There are times when I look down at my leg and will actually put my hand on it to make sure it's not wet, because it feels wet.  Just to let you know, it's never been wet.  This is what started to concern me.  I'd never heard of this sensation-in fact it just may be something that I end up googling now, because I'm thinking of it.
During discharge instructions I tell my patients "If you experience any numbness, tingling, or loss/change of sensation seek immediate medical attention."  What would I tell my patient if they described this?  There lies the problem-I'm not one of my patients, and I never take my own advice.
Anywho...back to it.
So, as I've been working 12 (read 13+) hour shifts, the sensation in my leg has changed.

• There is a spot on my leg that is completely numb
• There is a spot on my leg that itches ALL...THE....TIME....
• It now burns when I wear shorts.  This just started yesterday (that I've noticed)  I put on a pair of shorts to go to the store, and noticed that every time I would take a step, right where the bottom of the shorts leg hit my leg it felt on fire.
• Wearing pants doesn't cause the area to burn like shorts.  Then again, the only pants that I wear are scrubs, which are light weight.
• I woke up this morning with my leg feeling like it was on fire.  :(  

I don't know if it's been happening long, or if I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I know what I'm feeling, and I don't like it.  

I wish I had never made the decision to pay attention to it, because now that I have, it's like it's screaming at me LOOK AT ME!!!!  I'M HERE!!!! SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!

Sadly, I'm torn. 

I don't want to do anything about it, because I'm afraid I'm going to be told that I can't work any more in my chosen field.  I'm afraid they are going to tell me that I have to get off my feet.  I'm a nurse, how can I get off my feet?  I'm also afraid they'll tell me it's OK to work, but that I need to start taking medication.  I can't pass meds while I'm taking narcotics!  Even if they don't give me narcotics, there are other medications that can cause sedation until your body gets use to it.  I don't have the time or money to not work until "I'm use to it".

But, that's my mind running wild right?  I have not even GONE to the doctor.  Not even to the walk-in clinic.

So  I'm going to call a doctor office today, and attempt to set up an appointment.  That means it'll be a few months from now, because I'll either be a "new patient" or if I go back to the Health Clinic-well, it's a Health Dept Clinic, all their appointments are far out into the future.

It's all very disconcerting to me.

The other side is go to the doctor (as I said I would do) and take care of the problem.  I don't want to have to deal with my leg feeling like it's on fire every time I wear shorts.  Holy cow, I would have to live in my Capri's.  I don't particularly want to wear them all the time,  Girls camp is coming up, and I will need to wear shorts there.  Don't know how well that'll go over-probably do what I always do, push it to the side and ignore the pain.  

Well, on to the days list of things to do.  

Yes, calling and making a doctors appointment is on the top of that list.  (but I did rip up that list after finding out the doctor I planned on calling was part of the county health clinics-I still have the shreds of a list here though.)

Frustration sucks.