Feel the BUUURRRRRRRNNNNNN

Been a while since I've come here, as often is the case.  Blogging seems to come and go for me, not that I don't enjoy it, but with the way I'm so sporadic about it, you wouldn't think I actually like it.

Lately I've been dealing with the realization that I have some kind of nerve damage in my left thigh.  I don't know what happened, but for the past year it has been getting progressively worse.  It use to only bother me after I worked 4 8-hour days in a row at the nursing home.  Now, I find myself hurting after just one day at the hospital.
Since I've made the decision to actually GO to the doctor about this problem, I've been paying more attention to it.  (Where as before I was trying to ignore it, because I figured my legs were just fatigued.) I want to get an accurate account of what it really and truly feels like so I can tell the doctor what is going on.  Most of the time, it's just numb, and if I'm just sitting it doesn't feel like (much of) anything.  However, at work, by the time my shift is over, it feels like water is dripping on that part of my leg.  There are times when I look down at my leg and will actually put my hand on it to make sure it's not wet, because it feels wet.  Just to let you know, it's never been wet.  This is what started to concern me.  I'd never heard of this sensation-in fact it just may be something that I end up googling now, because I'm thinking of it.
During discharge instructions I tell my patients "If you experience any numbness, tingling, or loss/change of sensation seek immediate medical attention."  What would I tell my patient if they described this?  There lies the problem-I'm not one of my patients, and I never take my own advice.
Anywho...back to it.
So, as I've been working 12 (read 13+) hour shifts, the sensation in my leg has changed.

• There is a spot on my leg that is completely numb
• There is a spot on my leg that itches ALL...THE....TIME....
• It now burns when I wear shorts.  This just started yesterday (that I've noticed)  I put on a pair of shorts to go to the store, and noticed that every time I would take a step, right where the bottom of the shorts leg hit my leg it felt on fire.
• Wearing pants doesn't cause the area to burn like shorts.  Then again, the only pants that I wear are scrubs, which are light weight.
• I woke up this morning with my leg feeling like it was on fire.  :(  

I don't know if it's been happening long, or if I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I know what I'm feeling, and I don't like it.  

I wish I had never made the decision to pay attention to it, because now that I have, it's like it's screaming at me LOOK AT ME!!!!  I'M HERE!!!! SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!

Sadly, I'm torn. 

I don't want to do anything about it, because I'm afraid I'm going to be told that I can't work any more in my chosen field.  I'm afraid they are going to tell me that I have to get off my feet.  I'm a nurse, how can I get off my feet?  I'm also afraid they'll tell me it's OK to work, but that I need to start taking medication.  I can't pass meds while I'm taking narcotics!  Even if they don't give me narcotics, there are other medications that can cause sedation until your body gets use to it.  I don't have the time or money to not work until "I'm use to it".

But, that's my mind running wild right?  I have not even GONE to the doctor.  Not even to the walk-in clinic.

So  I'm going to call a doctor office today, and attempt to set up an appointment.  That means it'll be a few months from now, because I'll either be a "new patient" or if I go back to the Health Clinic-well, it's a Health Dept Clinic, all their appointments are far out into the future.

It's all very disconcerting to me.

The other side is go to the doctor (as I said I would do) and take care of the problem.  I don't want to have to deal with my leg feeling like it's on fire every time I wear shorts.  Holy cow, I would have to live in my Capri's.  I don't particularly want to wear them all the time,  Girls camp is coming up, and I will need to wear shorts there.  Don't know how well that'll go over-probably do what I always do, push it to the side and ignore the pain.  

Well, on to the days list of things to do.  

Yes, calling and making a doctors appointment is on the top of that list.  (but I did rip up that list after finding out the doctor I planned on calling was part of the county health clinics-I still have the shreds of a list here though.)

Frustration sucks.

Things that break my heart

As it is the Christmas season, most of the time I'm happy.  Shoot, most of the time I'm pretty freakin' happy!  I have an awesome life.  I have beautiful children, a loving husband, a job in a career I love, dogs, cats, guinea pigs, hamster, fish, a roof over my head, food in our belly's and electricity to make the lights on the tree light up.  
However, there are things that are weighing heavy on my heart lately.
1. Recently my sister has come into some...well, we'll just say domestic issues.  My husband and I offered her a way out, and a place to stay while the 'issue' was resolved.  She has accepted twice, and turned us down 3 times.  :(  She is an adult, she can make her own decisions, but I hope for the sake of her son she makes the right one.
2. My mom's dog passed away this past weekend.  She had to be rushed in for emergency surgery, and when they opened her up, she was full of tumors.  My mom had to make the very difficult decision to just have her put down while she was still on the operating table.  This is extra hard for us, because we lost our family dog almost the same exact way.
3. Telling my patients/residents that I have accepted a position at a different facility.
4. Telling my sister that I can't afford to bring her down for 3 weeks while her son is at his fathers house for Christmas.
5. Being the big sister.

All of these things RIGHT NOW going on break my heart.
I told my husband this morning that I don't wanna be the big sister any more.  I don't want to fix anything any more.

  Just for today. 

 Let me have today to not worry about anything other than just my family.  My small (hey, it's small to me) family of 6 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, 1 hamster, and fluctuating number of fish.  I want to be mom and wife today.
This by no means is a statement of uncaring.  I care a lot.  I care way too much-is that possible?  I care a lot for these people in my life who are driving me cra....OMGosh, the laptop is now dis-functioning.  I can't finish that word, because the button for the letter that comes next in that word isn't working.

This week I have a mini-vacation from my soon to be old place of employment.  Yup! I've accepted employment elsewhere.  I'm not publicly announcing my disembarking because I want it to be final (sorry, can't write the word that I really want, because of that darn button!) and concrete before I make it "Facebook official".  Any-who, back to what I was getting at...I have so much to do this week before my vacation is over.  College stuff to get situated; for both me and my oldest, grocery shopping, asking the bank why my daughters "free" checking account was charged $15, calling about my student loans, getting everyone in to the dentist before we lose our insurance, calling other employment recruiters to rescind my application for employment.  I think Thursday I will...oh, wait, nope.  I have a pre-employment appointment at my new employer.  I will probably get a break next week when I have the equivalent of a long weekend off before I begin orientation on December 15.

OH! #6...the conflict at seminary...the ongoing conflict.  People trying to butt heads and the huge pissing war.  I thought we were adults?    I seriously thought we were adults trying to teach the children, and not a bunch of selfish people.  We are suppose to be creating spiritual wellness for our children, not petty choose sides crap.

As I sit here, I could probably think of more and more stuff to fill the "what breaks my heart" list.  today it just seems is a very break my heart kind of day.

So, with that muddled mess, and my heart feeling even more heavy today than normal, and what I thought would be cathartic, getting it off my chest, is clearly not.  So, I'll be going about my day.  Planning my trip so I can hit everything in one swoop around the city.  Ending of course with grocery shopping, don't wanna run errands in Florida with groceries in the car.  Sometimes, I miss being able to put my pop out in the snow rather than the fridge.  Snow is the perfect temperature for pop.  Seriously!

Oh, yeah, and on a completely different note, completely away from any kind of thought I've had here today...How the HECK did Fargo get nominated for any kind of award?  I understand how the female lead may have won something, but that's it.  I was so disappointed in this movie.  Holy Cow...for real people?  I mean, even for 1996 they could've done better, and with those high level of actors?  SERIOUSLY?  I found nothing about that movie entertaining.  NOTHING.

so, on that note.

Honey, 403.  :D

NOC life

"...remember, you treat her like a lady, and she'll always bring you home" -Bones

So, here I am.  Trying to figure out what to watch while I waste away the hours of over night.  My day was slept away.  I have been drinking less caffeine during the nights at work, so when I get home I'm not as completely wired, so I don't stay up all day.  I've been known to stay up until 2 pm in the past month, and then in order to even get sleepy I'm resorting to an off-brand PM medication.  After all this process, I'm completely exhausted when I wake up, and then the cycle starts again with drinking caffeine to arouse my body into a wakeful state.  Anywho-today I slept a good chunk of my day away.  I didn't plan on it, because, well, quite frankly I actually like my family and spending time with them.  I like sitting around doing nothing with them, even if that's all we do.  We don't have to go anywhere to enjoy being together, we, as a family, actually like being home together.  I KNOW!!! SHOCKER!!!!

So, back to me-because it's all about me.  ME ME MEEEEE.

Seriously, right now it is literally me. Watching Star Trek TNG by myself.  My own dog doesn't even want to come over here.  He's all wrapped up in his own curl of doggie-ness.  All 4 of my kids are sleeping IN THEIR OWN BEDS!  WOOT! and of course hubby-poo is in bed sleeping also.  The younger 2 will be getting up in about 2 hours for school.  The 16 year old doesn't have school today.  Ahh, the complexities of having children in private school.   Bank holidays, like Veterans Day, are no longer stay at home days.  It has become just an other day of school.  Working over nights I truthfully have no idea when a day is a holiday.  I thought today (Tuesday, November 11, 2014) was just another day. I don't remember dates well any more.  I didn't realize that it was 11-11.  Sure, the last night I worked I may have written 11-10 on everything, but that doesn't mean I really *know* what day of the week it is, or even what the true date is.  I go into work on one day and instantly begin writing the next day.  If it's the 2nd, I'm writing the 3rd.  Working night shift completely screws with the mind.  I have a complete love/hate relationship with my chosen shift.  

We get to see people at their worst.  For some reason, things are worse at night.  Fevers, illnesses, sun-downers, full moons.  It all adds up.  Sure, some of these things can happen on day shift, and they often do.  In fact, that's when you hear about this stuff happening.  But, what you don't hear about is how we deal with it, how we, the night shift have to deal with these things.  How a fever is treated with out calling a doctor.  How sun downers are redirected with out calling family members to come and sit with their loved ones.  

Now, don't think I'm committing anything illegal here, there are standing orders for things like fevers and such.  Yes, we do let family and doctors know, but there are things that can wait until morning.  Things that yes, if I were working day shift, and people are awake, that I could totally call the doctor for, or things that I could call the family for right then and there, because they are awake.  Working the night shift has taught me to use my own nursing judgement.  Day shift, yes you are doing nursing stuff, and have to use your nursing abilities, but, because I have less resources at night, I have to rely on myself to find the answers.  

Myself.

******Before I get all kinds of slack, I am NOT NOT NOT defacing or debacing my fellow nurses who work during the normal waking hours of normal people.******

That is scary and invigorating to me at the same time.  Seriously.  Me.  Amber.  Mother of 4. Nurse to 34.  HOLY CRAP!

I have to pull on my 2 years of nursing school, 20 years of healthcare, and 19 years of motherhood to get me and my patients through the night.  Most nights are completely smooth.  Most nights I don't need to pull on my major experience.  I do my assessments, which, yes, I learned in nursing school, so yes, technically every night I have to draw on that.  It's the nights when people decide to go walking, lose their balance, and hit the floor; it's nights when people decide that they need to succumb to their illness that they really need me to be a good nurse.  These are the moments I look back on and think about my abilities.  Stopping blood flow from a pulled out dialysis catheter, because my demented patient didn't know what it was.  Doing CPR on a patient because, well, that's what we do when they need CPR.  Doing neuro checks because someone fell.  All these things happen, have happened, and I'm sure will happen again.  But, these are the things that I don't have resources for other than myself and my fellow night nurses.  

We don't have management at night.  We don't have the luxury of being able to pass on something to our unit managers, we have to take care of things ourselves.  We are our own little working system, and I'm not sure at this point I would have it any other way.

"Only fools, have no fears."-Worf

MISSY'S HOME!!!! Day one...

and what is she doing?
Sleeping.  In her own bed.
She hasn't slept in her own bed since the end of May.  I'm pretty sure she's happy about it.
It's good to have her home.  I don't really wanna send her back to Oklahoma.  I know she's needed, and that's pretty much the only reason I'm sharing her; but I really don't want her to leave again.

The plans for today are (tentatively) go to the college and get everything cleared up so she can enroll in online classes for the first semester.  She's only home for a week, but we wanna get everything done that we can, and still have time to relax.

So, here's to the day!  MY MISSY'S AWAKE!!!
:-)

Day 2 of the adventures with Missy

That sounds so, adventurous.
Missy is home from Oklahoma, not where the wind goes sweeping down the plains, or whipping through the wheat, or anything like that. Home from Oklahoma where everyone dresses like they are going to "the Wal-marts".
I've never been there, so all I have to go on is the input of a judgemental 18 year old.  That is how she explained it to me, so that is where she is visiting from.

We really haven't done much of anything today, sat around, watching Ice Lake Rebels.  Talking about how every man should love his woman like Stephan loves Allyce.  Seriously. I've seen this meme:

I thought how awesome is that.  Now, not so much.  I don't want Gomez and Morticia any more, I want freakin' Stephan and Allyce!

So, moving on...Took Stephanie to Noah's so he could take her to seminary, took the younger 2 to school so they could, well, go learn something.  I started dinner (Missy's favorite-bean soup), and made breakfast (homemade hashbrowns).

We've watched TV, listened to music on YouTube, danced with the dog, and had a wonderful grand old time.

Then, Bill got up and the two of them began their "OMGosh, remember this song?" and "OMGosh, do you know this song?" so I moved on to things that I needed to do.  You know, because real life sucks and you actually have to do things to keep moving forward.
First of all, I loaded up my WOW launcher because, well, today is patch day-duh! (Ok, truth-hubby reminded me it was patch day and he wanted to know if the servers were up yet.)
Secondly, I started looking up schools to continue my education to get my BSN.  Why do some schools make it so difficult to find anything on their websites?  One college I looked at had their advising hours so buried that by the time I found it, I was pretty much ready to not to go school there; even though they have exactly what I'm looking for in my nursing career.  In order to advance my career I need a BSN, and in order to get that I need to go back to school.  It kinda ticks me off that schools know this, and some make it almost impossible to get there.  When I finally make a decision, and decide what school I want to go to, I wonder if I'm actually going to be able to GET into a school.
Ultimately I would love to get my DNP, but I have to start off small, little by little chewing away at the degrees one at a time.  Unless I win the school/university lottery and get into the RN-MSN program at USF.  DUDE! I would absolutely love to get into that program.  It's competitive, and I'm not sure I have the grades required.  However, I won't know unless I try right?

So, yesterday I went with Missy to get all her college stuff straightened out.  Tomorrow?  She's going with me to an information session!!

Please don't fall over dead...

I know!  How many posts can Amber post in two days?  I don't know either, but seriously, what is going on!

I've spent more time on the computer today than I have in a long time.  I went through some pictures, deleted the QUADRUPLE copies of some things, and made some room on my "cloud" storage so that ultimately we can get my computer reformatted.  I know, I know, man of my dreams thinks it's a pipe dream too, but seriously, I'm trying.  I have a LOT of pictures, and by a lot of pictures I mean HOLY CRAP WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL YOUR DISK SPACE IS USED UP! lots of pictures.  I want to put them on a seperate independent disk drive, that way I can keep the space open for important things, like...WOW, and maybe Guild Wars (Have a friend who says I totally need to try it), and maybe even Diablo III (which Hubby keeps trying to get me to play with him).  You know, IMPORTANT things.

Ok, so back to sitting here all day.  I got sucked into watching a 50 minute documentary after clicking on a link, and then clicking on an other link, and then another. It was a really good one too, so good that I was like "Crap, it's over?"

So, why am I blogging? Why would I take it to the interwebz?  Because, it just seemed appropriate.  Waste time on the interweb, post about on the interwebz.

So, back to what I was thinking about while going through pictures.  I take SOOO many pictures. I know I do, Hubby lovingly calls me a picture whore.  (it IS lovingly right? RIGHT?)  Looking through pictures from almost 10 years ago I realize how bad it is.  I'll take a few pictures of the same thing and the only thing that's different is that the wind has changed direction, and now that one leaf way up in the corner has moved. ever. so. slightly.  But then I see how the kids use to be, all sweet and innocent.

I know, it's a Christmas picture, it's October....get over it.

And stuff like this one.  The Christmas picture was taken while I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, and this is a picture of our 3rd daughter and my 9 month pregnant belly.

Looking back through pictures can be a bit humbling for me too, looking at where I had been, compared to where we are.  Looking at things in the background that at the time were just part of normalcy, now tell the story of my 20's.  (I could probably write a book about my 20's.  It's got some Jerry Springer moments that's for sure.)  Like the time my oldest daughter and her friend dressed up like "The girl from Joe Dirt".  (no, you will NOT see that picture no matter how funny it was/is/use to be)  Or, when they (My oldest and her friend) decided to get into the friends grandfathers adult diapers and put them on (over their clothes mind you).  It's great fun most of the time, but sometimes, the memories bring back a lot of head shaking and WTHeck was I thinking moments.
All moments that bring me to where I am today.  Where I have 4 beautiful girls, and the man of my dreams.

It's an old picture, and I'm thinking it's time to get a new picture of all 4 of the girls.  I can't even find the yearly Christmas picture I take!  What is happening here!  Hubby is going to take away my status!
Off to take more pictures!

Somewhere over the poop stained tapestry of life, black birds fly

No rainbows and blue birds, because that would hint towards perfection.  I don't really want perfection, I want this.  I want life.  I love my life as a mother to 4 beautiful girls, and wife to the man of my dreams.  Seriously, this IS the freakin' life!

However...when the blue birds of someone else's life poop on my head I get a little dreary of the black birds. (Red winged black birds of course :-D )  I see what others have that I strive for, only to realize that I have not tried hard enough.  If I actually sit and think about it, do I really want change? or do I just wanna complain about the situation?

Why so cryptic?  WTHeck am I talking about?   Two little letters....RN.

These two little letters have been the best and worst thing to happen to me this year.  SERIOUSLY!

I was so excited to have gotten my RN license.  I had finally achieved what I set out to do 18 years ago.  With the unfailing love and support of my best man I would have never made it. 

I got a job with the company that I have been with for 7 years.  That's awesome!  I have a good paying job, at a place I already know.  I have the experience countdown running! WOOT!!!!   

WRONG  

Because I have a job as an RN, I am disqualified from most "graduate nurse" or "new nurse" internships.  Right now I'm sitting at 5 months experience as an RN, which puts me one month away from "graduate" status according to another internship, but by the time the internship starts, I'll have 7 months of experience.  

I've felt such a mix of emotions since getting my RN.  I'm crazy angry, and crazy jealous, and elated when I can actually use my knowledge.
I'm stuck in this stupid night shift cycle.  I'm stuck....

I've been back to this entry several times.  It has taken me a long time to finish it, and the ONLY reason I'm finishing it is because the more I type, the more angry I get.
I don't want to be angry.  I don't want to be so disgusted with my degree that I end up being one of the many who don't make it 7 years.

I need to change my mentality.  Change my point of view.