Research and learning

I've said it before, and I'm probably going to say it again at some point in my life, but researching something that one of your family members has isn't always the best thing to do. 
However, having said that, because of what's going on with Sabrina, I HAVE to research some things. 
Like, physical therapy for people with anoxic brain injuries or traumatic brain injuries; and how to perform them correctly. 
Like, how to make your own food to fit down a peg tube.

So much information is out there, but not where it needs to be.  Not where someone would think it would be.  I get my peg tube nutrition information from an oral cancer site, and I got some therapy ideas from an article in a newspaper from Texas. 

My knowledge can get me pretty far. My understanding of the human body as a nurse will help me care for her at home.  However, having to dig for the information really puts a damper on things.  Now, I'll find the information, and I'll do everything in my power to give her what she needs.  I just wish it was a little bit easier to find on the internet.  I wish that someone had actually put together that this was a thing.  Maybe they have, and I just have not found it yet.  If they have, I'm going to keep looking. 
I have a gigantic feeling that caloric intake counting is going to be a huge deal in about a month.  Nutrients, micro-nutrients, macro-nutrients,percentages, protein, carbs, fiber.  All that dietary jazz  Guess who is going to be my best friend soon?  The LTAC dietitian.  And if I get nothing there, then I'll definitely be going to the library a lot.  I'll be reading, and learning 
Maybe I'll go to school to become a dietitian while I stay home and take care of Brina. 
Oh.  Wait. 
We need my state benefits to help care for her and to pay for doctor visits.

Our life has changed drastically.
Not for the worse, just drastically.

New knowledge has to be taken in.  New responsibilities have to be taken on. 
This is our life now.

Research, and more research.
Learning new ways to do things.  Learning new ways to do almost everything. 
Learning how our family works now.  How this new family dynamic will be.

This is the new us, and I love us.

Leo and his band-aids of wonder!

My brother and 2 of his sons came to visit Sabrina this past weekend.
It was a good visit, got great results from Sabrina from it.
The best thing however, was my nephew Leo.  He has the healers heart and touch.  He walked in the room with Sabrina and instantly touched her arm.
He became very concerned about her getting better.  He even told me that he has his own medic first aid kit, which he brought inside with him and proceeded to place bandaids on Sabrina to help fix her boo-boos.
I don't want to disregard my brothers complete and udder agitation of Sabrina to get a response out of her, but seriously, Leo really was committed to healing his cousin and he did a great job.

He placed one on her left leg, and one on her right arm. They are still there.  I let my brother know to tell Leo that his bandaids are still in place and working their magic.  I got a big 2 thumbs up from Leo.


Thank you Leo.  Your cousin was in need of your healing touch and you gave it to her.  You are awesome.

Trach and Peg

Kinda sounds like a tavern name doesn't it. 
"Hey, ya'll wanna go over to the trach and peg and knock back a few?"
Except it's not. 

The next step in our adventure was getting a tracheotomy and peg tube placed.
Tracheotomy so she can get the intubation tube out of her mouth and away from her vocal cords.
Peg tube so we can get the feedings to go directly into her stomach instead of in a tube down her throat. 

Happy to say that surgery was successful.  She's definitely resting better, and not gagging as much.  I mean, if I had a tube the size of my thumb down my throat I'd probably gag too.

After coming back from surgery, I washed her hair, brushed it and put it up in a bun like she always does.  I also washed her face.  Seems she has a possible allergy to the antimicrobial wipes they use and decided to get all rashy.
I'll probably take the bun out today so her hair can finish drying.  Last thing I need to do is have her hair smell like mildewy mold grossness.
Also, yes, I know she'll probably kill me for putting pictures of her like this on the internet, but this is going to be a long road, and I want to document it.  If for nothing more than just my own personal therapy session.  Or maybe I can look back on this and say "Oh that's when that was", because I'm really not good at time frames.  Especially when it involves looking back in time.

So, buckle up....our travels have begun. 
I don't know where they will go, but I know one thing: it's already been a bumpy ride and the rides just started.

The post that is 18 months in the making.

I'm starting this on 9/17/17.  I've decided to do a cheezy cheezy thing, and when  I sign my e-mails to Stephanie while she's on her mission, to put some kind of church related saying.  So, here goes, starting with tonight's:

9/17/17- I love you Hermana Woerner, go and do the things the Lord commands!
1 Nephi 3:7

9/20/17-Found out that Wednesdays are her; p-day at the MTC.  (That's preparation day at the  Missionary Training Center.)  So, while she's there she'll e-mail on Wednesdays.  She also told me today that she can read her e-mails all week, but can only answer on p-day.  So, I guess I'm going to start signing my e-mails with the same signature all week.  I had one picked out ,but it slipped my mind.  It was so good too!  But, I guess it just wasn't in the cards.  I'll think of something.  It's been nice to be able to "talk" to her today.  I e-mailed her back, and she actually sent another e-mail back to me!  The things that warm this missionary mom's heart! 

9/24/17- Abide in the Lord Hermana Woerner, Love you!
John 15:7 

10/02/17--Grace be with you Hermana Woerner!
Hebrews 13:25

10/08/17- Walk with God Hermana Woerner!!
Doctrine and Covenants 107:49

10/17/17-I know I had said I was going to sign all my e-mails all week with my cheesy saying, however; I have not been.  I guess I'm just being super lazy mom when it comes to e-mailing her, and putting my weekly signatures on. LOL  I wonder if she's noticed yet.
I also found out, that when she gets to Houston, they take away their tables for 8 weeks. :O Oh my goodness!
So, here's this weeks signature. (I'm running a little late this week with the big e-mail for her.)
-Be meek Hermana Woerner.
Mathew 5:5

10/20/17-Stephanie's roommate has asked me to write to her.  I was having some issues last night, and needed some extra prayers, so I asked both of them to pray for me.  I feel much better this morning, so I thanked them.  I signed the e-mail Be bold as lions my dear hermanas!  It's from Proverbs 28:1
When I send Stephanie her big e-mail I'm going to sign it this week from the same chapter in Proverbs, and It's going to be: Walk uprightly and and be bold as a lion!  So, that's a combination of verse 1 and verse 18.

10/23/17-sent Stephanie her big e-mail tonight, and I signed it just how I said I would. Walk uprightly and and be bold as a lion! 

10/30/2017- This is the first Monday p-day.  I totally spaced that it wasn't going to be on Wednesday this week. LOL, Last night I got all excited that today I may hear from her!  So, I e-mailed her this morning, here's the signature this week.

Walk by Faith Hermana Woerner, I love you.

2 Corinthians 5:7

I feel like at this point I should point out that all my biblical references are from the King James Version of the Bible.  You may find that the references fit into/from other versions, but the  KJV is the only version of the Bible that our family uses both in Church, and at my children's school.

11/5/17- Be a city on a hill Hermana Woerner, and shine your light.

Mathew 5:14

11/13/17-God will lead you by his hand, so let him take you where he needs you Hermana Woerner.
Abraham 1:18
I'm late this week writing her e-mail.  I had to work 4 days in a row, and I totally missed out on my ritual sitting on the couch writing to her about the musings of the week.   I miss her more today than I've missed her the whole time-and that's saying something, because I miss her terribly.  I hope she knows how proud I am of her, and that I love her dearly with all my being.

11/20/17-I've had a tooth pulled this week, so I'm not feeling the best, and I almost had decided to not send anything, but then I remembered something that Hermana Hudrlik had told me.  She told me that she loves getting my inpirational e-mails... so today's inspirational quote is late, but here it is.

Don’t forget to give thanks to the Lord!  It is the week of thanksgiving, without his mercy what are we?  Thank you to you both for your sacrifice in the work of the Lord.

1 Chronicales 16:34

11/27/17- Love you, and Remember, if you lack wisdom, Ask God!!!  (I am!)
James 1:5

This week while e-mailing her, one of my charge nurses texted me and asked me to pick up her shift tonight, because her grandma passed away last night.  Totally need to take this advice and ask what to do, because I'm torn!  Do I go? Do I not go.... :( 

12/10/2017-I didn't feel well last week, so I didn't/wasn't able to add on my quote.  This week, I was looking for a Christmas quote, but I instead I found this: Romans 6:23  For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
I'm going to say that the greatest Christmas gift we are given is eternal life from our Heavenly Father, which was made possible by Jesus Christ, so go share, and tell people of his amazing gift.

1/5/18- This isn't really from a biblical source that's specific, just motherly advice:
 I love you dearly, and miss you fiercely.

Serve the Lord well, and know our Heavenly Father loves you.

1/7/18- This past week President Monson passed away.  So, this week I decided to send quotes from the prophet that I felt would help them.  I did send a combination e-mail because I don't feel good. (Stupid cold) so when I went to see what quote I wanted to send, I actually got prompted to send 2 different quotes.  Here is what I wrote:

“Remember that when you help another up a mountain, you are a little closer to the top yourself.” -Thomas S. Monson 

This one is also a good one-I mean he has SO MANY that are SO GOOD, but this one jumped out at me when I was praying about what words of encouragement to send you guys this week. 

“Rather than continually dwelling on what still needs to be done, pause occasionally and reflect on all that you do and have done.” –Thomas S. Monson.

1/14/18: This week I feel I need to remember that there is a season for everything.  (Not a Season Dow, but just a season)-This was in Stephanie's e-mail; not Hermana Hudrlik's.  God knows what we need in our lives, and he knows what season we are in our lives.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

2/12/2018- I'm having the hardest time keeping up with this. I feel like a horrible mother who can't seem to keep her head straight.  So, here are the past ones that I've done, but didn't come here and update, because apparently I don't know how to manage time.
This one is in my phone from the New Years Day.  Not sure what day it was sent, but probably the first, since it was a Monday: Remember Irene.  help cometh from the Lord, so look to Him in times of need.  Psalms 121:1-8

On 2/4/2018 I wrote: Keep being  great example, even to the believers!  We need examples too. 1 Timothy 4:12
This week I didn't write anything.  Last week Stephanie asked me to write to her more often.  So, this week I wrote her every day.  However, I forgot to put in my  spiritual comment this week.  Ho hum.  Just more difficult that I thought it would be to keep up on it.

3/4/2018 L:  Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God!!!

3/11/18: Be pure in heart, and liken yourself unto Christ.  I know it's hard, but I believe in you!

Mathew 5:8

I have been so behind on doing e-mails to my poor hermanas.  I feel HORRIBLE.
Every time I say I'm going to be better, I do for a while, and then go back to not fitting it into my life.  These girls are important and need my love and attention!!!!!!!
So, off to write some e-mails!


So, I totally wimped out after like, 6 months.  Total fail!
I mean, I wrote e-mails, but no more inspiring quotes or stuff like that. 

AND she's been home for like, 6 months.  So, I didn't even post this on time!
Such a slacker person I am.

Happy Birthday Sabrina Dee

Spent Sabrina's 19th birthday in the hospital up in Jackson, Michigan. 

Not exactly how it was suppose to be. 

Sabrina was involved in a roll-over accident, and when the truck rolled, it landed on her.  We are currently in a waiting game.  

Keep the room quiet.

No TV, no radio.

Speaking only in hushed tones.  

No touching.

All this is to get the brain to concentrate on one thing.  Healing itself. 

They don't want her brain to worry about stimulation.  They don't want her brain to think about "What sensation is that?"  All they want her to do is heal. 

Because then, and only then will we know the extent of the damage.

Happy first day of being 19 little girl. We're in this for the long haul.

Your family loves you.

We are all in your corner, and your corner is super full.

Triggers

I'm just not having a good night.  Actually, I've not been having a good couple days. 

I don't even WANT to make this post, because it takes so much energy...

I've vented....to my daughter through e-mail, but I have yet to send it, because I'm suppose to send her happy thoughts and no bad stuff.  I just don't know if it's too bad to send.  I mean, it's stuff she's already known about me; so it's not like I'm telling her I killed her cat, or that her dragon died. (No, neither of these 2 things have happened.)  But I am afraid of how it's going to NOT help her spread the gospel.  

Why do I hurt so bad, physically.  It's been cold for the past few days, and I've been hurting.  My joints hurt all over.  I'm so over it.  I've been looking through past pictures, pulling them off my oneDrive before they are lost for good, and tonight I noticed that I've been fat forever.  How the heck can I expect to get healthy, when I've never been healthy.  How can I preach it to my husband and kids when I'm not living it myself? 

HOW CAN I BE SO HYPOCRITICAL?

I use to pride myself on being strong, and able to withstand physical labor.  I was able to lift my people, pull them up in bed, and not worry about if the other person could lift or not, because I was able.  Now I can't.  I'm losing my physical abilities.  It's not a fast process.  Not something that I've looked at every day and thought "Wow, I could do that yesterday".  No, it's been a slow process. At first I thought 'oh, it's just because I'm not a CNA any more.  I'm not doing the same amount of physical labor as I was previously'.  But the more I think about it, the more I need to acknowledge to myself that I'm just not getting any younger and I'm not healthy.  I've not been healthy.  I've been in denial.

I want to say this is it!  This is my time to change!  This is my awaking moment!

But it's not.

I'll sit here, in crazy pain, moping because that's what I do.  Whine about everything-and hope it gets better on it's own...because I'm too lazy to do anything else.  Too lazy.  Story of my life I think.  As long as I can remember, I've taken the easy way out.  

I've even went so far as to buy the appropriate foods to eat.  Have I done anything about it?  no.

I'm watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  The music is making me sad.  Why? Because we don't have Universal Studio passes any more. 

The new dog doesn't even like me.

Stupid stupid stuff that goes through my mind.  Like...really stupid.

Down days are becoming more often.

I tried doing something about, but it backfired on me, and I got sick.

What am I suppose to do?

Nothing.  I'm suppose to suck it up, and deal with it.  

I don't even want to tell my doctor any more, because I feel like I'm whining.  

Like...I'm making it up.  Like I keep finding things wrong with myself because I feel a need to have something wrong with me.

I can't even remember when the last time I took a shower was.

I'm not even sure I WANT to take a shower.  Maybe it would make me feel warmer if I did.  I'm way too tired feeling.  

I hate feeling like this.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend....

I don't really think we are friends. 

More like, acquaintances. 

Friends don't shouldn't...
Maybe, really, the darkness is more of an old abusive stalking ex who never quite got the hint that you don't want anything to do with them.

I'm so sick of being sad.  I have moments of joy, of wonderful, of awesomeness; but then I also have these deep, almost deafening moments of sadness.  When I just want to cry, but I'm so sad that the tears won't even come out. 
It's like, the ball of emotion that is stuck in my chest won't move.  It won't budge.  It has simply taken up residence there and is reaching it's dark black tendril fingerlings into and throughout my soul.  Weaving the darkness of it's being around the life. 
It's not all consuming.  Oh no, not this one.  If it were all consuming, I may not even know it's there.  If it were all consuming, I wouldn't know that it's possible to be happy; or I may think that I was happy-after all, if I didn't know better, how would I know?
But no, this is not all consuming.  This is a divide and contrast of light and dark, of happy and sad, or overwhelming joy and deep plunging depression.
No, this illness wants me to know it's here.
It wants me to know that it has taken up space and residence, and no matter how many times I send an eviction notice, it finds a loop hole, and digs in a little deeper.

No.  This is not a transient being on it's way to nowhere land.  This darkness, whom I have been battling for most of my adult life (if not all of my adult life) has slowly been working it's way, disguising itself, almost, chameleon like, as part of me.  It took up residence--perhaps it started out as a transient, looking for a place to belong--inside of me.  By settling early in my adult life, I gave up on being happy.  By putting what I thought was more important things first, I gave up on me.

I didn't know it wasn't normal to cry all the time.
In my family, that's just what we do.
It's normal to us. 
I feel sad/happy/unknown--cry.

I know there are things in life that knock me down, and give me a little bit of push back, and make life difficult for a bit.  I know that we have to go through trials in this life, so we can learn all Heavenly Father wants us to learn.  I also know that he wants us happy.
My own decisions in my early adulthood made me unhappy, and for the past 16 years, I've been trying to chase those demons away.  Trying to weed out the tendrils of darkness that I have allowed to weave into my soul; only to fill the empty spots where the darkness was, with bulky scars that remind me what was there.

Forgiveness.
I just lectured my daughter on this subject.
She just gave a talk in church about this subject.
I've lectured myself about this subject.

Why is it so difficult for me to forgive myself?  I've forgiven many many people who probably were not sorry for their wrong doings.  But as much as I think I have forgiven myself....I have not.
Why can't I allow myself to heal?
Why must my mind constantly let me know that I have done wrong in my life, and despite the fact that I have made as much restitution as I can, my mind will not stop. 

The scars are too deep.
The scars are too tender.

My Imzadi is amazing, and he loves me for who I am, and I tell him when I'm sad, and he is amazing at holding me through the pain.  He fills me with everything I've always wanted and longed for; and he gives me willingly and freely to me-even when I'm my most dark and hateful.  He is the salve for my scars.  He is the healing dressing over the fresh wounds that reappear even though they are decades old.  He feels my darkness because he wills it away from me and into his being, just so I can get a moment of relief.  I selfishly let him take it, because in those moments I'm ok.
Sharing love is easy.  Love, and joy, and happiness are good feelings. 
Sharing the vulnerable feelings of sadness and hate are ugly, and raw, but they let him know who I truly am.
Sharing my soul with him, and him sharing his soul with me is THE MOST amazing feeling on Earth.  It is a love that I KNOW comes from divine design. 
Without him....I just don't really know where or how I would be.


My thoughts turn to my children now, and the thoughts in my head go strait to "OH, so they don't matter?"  The darkness plays this game.  It tries to destroy everything.
EVERYTHING
I refuse to let it. 
Sometimes I can't help it. Some days-I just crumble. 
There have been way too many of crumbling days lately.
But, when I look at my children, and I see them smile, not just in their faces, and upturned lip corners, but the true sparkly eye smiles, I also feel that happiness. 

I am lucky to be able to sit and in my darkest hours, when the darkness is peeling back scab after scab exposing fresh scars that were long lost, to be able to reach out with my soul, and feel the love of those around me.
I know I'm lucky.
I know that I have it so good.

In
This
Moment......
I know.