Triggers

I'm just not having a good night.  Actually, I've not been having a good couple days. 

I don't even WANT to make this post, because it takes so much energy...

I've vented....to my daughter through e-mail, but I have yet to send it, because I'm suppose to send her happy thoughts and no bad stuff.  I just don't know if it's too bad to send.  I mean, it's stuff she's already known about me; so it's not like I'm telling her I killed her cat, or that her dragon died. (No, neither of these 2 things have happened.)  But I am afraid of how it's going to NOT help her spread the gospel.  

Why do I hurt so bad, physically.  It's been cold for the past few days, and I've been hurting.  My joints hurt all over.  I'm so over it.  I've been looking through past pictures, pulling them off my oneDrive before they are lost for good, and tonight I noticed that I've been fat forever.  How the heck can I expect to get healthy, when I've never been healthy.  How can I preach it to my husband and kids when I'm not living it myself? 

HOW CAN I BE SO HYPOCRITICAL?

I use to pride myself on being strong, and able to withstand physical labor.  I was able to lift my people, pull them up in bed, and not worry about if the other person could lift or not, because I was able.  Now I can't.  I'm losing my physical abilities.  It's not a fast process.  Not something that I've looked at every day and thought "Wow, I could do that yesterday".  No, it's been a slow process. At first I thought 'oh, it's just because I'm not a CNA any more.  I'm not doing the same amount of physical labor as I was previously'.  But the more I think about it, the more I need to acknowledge to myself that I'm just not getting any younger and I'm not healthy.  I've not been healthy.  I've been in denial.

I want to say this is it!  This is my time to change!  This is my awaking moment!

But it's not.

I'll sit here, in crazy pain, moping because that's what I do.  Whine about everything-and hope it gets better on it's own...because I'm too lazy to do anything else.  Too lazy.  Story of my life I think.  As long as I can remember, I've taken the easy way out.  

I've even went so far as to buy the appropriate foods to eat.  Have I done anything about it?  no.

I'm watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  The music is making me sad.  Why? Because we don't have Universal Studio passes any more. 

The new dog doesn't even like me.

Stupid stupid stuff that goes through my mind.  Like...really stupid.

Down days are becoming more often.

I tried doing something about, but it backfired on me, and I got sick.

What am I suppose to do?

Nothing.  I'm suppose to suck it up, and deal with it.  

I don't even want to tell my doctor any more, because I feel like I'm whining.  

Like...I'm making it up.  Like I keep finding things wrong with myself because I feel a need to have something wrong with me.

I can't even remember when the last time I took a shower was.

I'm not even sure I WANT to take a shower.  Maybe it would make me feel warmer if I did.  I'm way too tired feeling.  

I hate feeling like this.