The NCLEX

This is how the conversation is going in my head, as if I'm talking to my oldest daughter, or even if my 17 and 15 year old were talking to each other; about how I feel right now.

"You jelly bro?"
"Yeah, totes jelly"

On my lunch break at work, I checked my facebook, and had notifications for my nursing class.  A few people are already scheduled to take their NCLEX.  All of a sudden I felt a rush of emotions.  Something I have NEVER EVER really felt before, something so real, that now I know why it considered one of the 7 deadly sins.  I felt real honest to God jealousy.  Not some "OMGosh, I totally want that" kind of feeling, a real, deep seeded anger, hate, sad, mad, happy for my friends feeling of jealousy.  So much so that I started to rationalize what bills we don't HAVE to pay this month just so I can pay for my test.  This is some seriously scary crap!  I mean, I NEVER EVER want to feel this way again. 

EVER!

I began thinking about how horrible it is to be poor.  How tragic it is that the one thing holding me back from making more money is money itself.  How horrible that I can't afford to pay for the ONE THING that would almost triple my income.  How sadly tragic.  I am now a tragedy.  I couldn't think about it at work, because I would cry.  I texted my husband, vented to him.  I texted my mom, and had to tell her I couldn't talk about it any more because I didn't want to cry at work. 
Yet I wanted to read the thread more.
Why?
Because I was (am) still happy that my friends were being able to complete their schooling.  They are moving on to the next step.  I am deeply happy for them.  Seriously.  I truly am ecstatic that they are able to do this.  However, I am extremely angry I can't. 

So yeah, I'm freakin' jelly brah.

Totes