These are the voyages of the Earthship, Amberprise

Sometimes, just sometimes, have to sit back and weather the storms that throws our way. 
First contact with other species (friendship).
Diplomatic missions (home/visiting teaching).
Away missions (work).
Ten forward (keeping up with the Jones's)
The Bridge (brain/emotional control)

The Battle bridge.

This is where I have spent the last 3 days.  The battle bridge.
Preparing for a battle, fighting a battle, licking my wounds, tending my pride, and my heart.
The battle bridge; where you can do the same exact stuff as in the regular Bridge, only with more feeling, and more gusto!

This is from October...Not sure why it didn't publish.
What was I trying to say, or not say by not publishing it. 
Sometimes I have no idea.

Early morning cuddles

Gator. LOL, he is my buddy.

Children are precious little reminders that life is not fair.

Today...what can I say about today...It's only 8am and I've already been overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and at a loss.
I didn't take anything to help me sleep last night, yet when I woke up this morning, I just couldn't get up at first.  I sat on the side of the bed thinking about how tired I was.  Bill even asked me if I wanted him to take the girls to seminary.  No, this is my ritual.  My time with the girls in the morning.  I got up, stumbled dressed, and made my way out of the door.  I didn't make a scene, because it's early, no one wants to deal with my nonsense.
Get out the door, get into the car.  Stephanie has the headlights on, but the car is off.  Proceed to explain to her that it sucks the battery down, and she should always turn the car on first, and to make a long story short, I also explained that the car needs to circulate the oil through the engine before you just take off.

Drove to pick up the boy we pick up for seminary-gladly didn't feel like I was going to die at the hand of my 17 year old driving a projectile weapon.  However, it was conversations that happened, that allowed me to think that perhaps an accident would be ok, because at least then I wouldn't have to listen to 15 year old logic, because I would be in a completely different room.  (Of course then the mother in me kicks in and thinks how terrible of a mother I am for even considering this, because of course at that point I wouldn't be worried about my own health, and happy to be away from my children, but instead worrying about them, and wanting to be with them to make sure I'm there to oversee anything that is done to them, because after all, even though I want to hang them by their toe nails from the tree out back like a deer, I really do love them and don't REALLY want anything bad to happen to them.)

15 year old logic.  (OK, ok, she'll be 15 in 12 days.)  15 year old logic says that I should NOT be a parent to other peoples kids, and should just let things go, and let nature take it's course. (not her words, my interpretation)  I should not inform other parents of things I "found out" based on what a 17 year old says.  I'm just a horrible horrible person I guess.

Drop kids off at seminary.  Say good bye to all 3 kids, say see you tomorrow morning to the boy I pick up, and he looks at me like "huh?"  Then I realize that I normally say "Have a good day" and wonder if my change in words has aflicted him in some weird way.  Try to say bye to Stephanie, but she doesn't wanna be late, and my own brain fart made me late on telling her "I love you see you after school".  I also was thinking that I needed to speak with 15 year old logic girl, but realize they have 3 minutes before seminary starts, so I had to make it quick.  Overwhelming time crunch came down on me at that moment, and obliterated everything in my mind.  I looked at Brina and said "What's wrong"  (this in our house is a no-no with her.  This is when ADHD is not your friend, because the no-no can of worms is HUGE.)  She went on her speal for a few minutes and I told her "We'll talk about this later at home." and I reminded her that she is grounded and not going to her volleyball game because (surprise surprise) she has a D, no wait, she has TWO D's.  As she's walking away she is trying to explain P.E. class to which I say, just be there when I pick you up after school, to which she replies "I still need spandex"  What?  What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?  SERIOUSLY!!!!  Did I miss something? because for sure I wasn't in this conversation she was having.  I must have slipped into a time warp, or fell into a worm hole and went missing...something, because....I love my children...I love my children.

"Bye Brina, I love you."

I'm going to the gym.  I have my arm band, I have my headphones, I have my water, I have my key.  Where's my key?  OH....MY.....HOLY....CRAP....WHAT. THE. CRAP.  /smash head into wall.
My gym key is on my key chain at home, hanging in the kitchen on the key thing.  OK, no gym for Amber.  At this point, I had been awake for hour.  A completely frustrating hour.

Drive to Walgreen's, get morning drinkage with not much incident.

Come home, get Shelby up without much incident.

drive her to school without much incident.

get on Facebook and lose track of time with out much incident.

I really hope the rest of the day is without incident, because I'm not sure I can handle any more crap right now.

Although things I need to do:
1. Shop for car insurance.
2. Crochet
3.  Watch Voyager

2 of those 3 things are awesome, the other-not so much.

On that note....I'm walking away people...walking away.  Maybe I'll make myself some breakfast-or something.

Christmas in August

I know, it's now September, but seriously it was just August yesterday.

Went to Kmart yesterday with my husband and oldest daughter to get a few things, and found the Halloween section.  It was, of course and most properly, right across the aisle from the Christmas decorations.  The lawn chairs were also most properly facing the Christmas decorations, which were in turn flanked by Halloween candles, and Thanksgiving decorations.  I think Kmart said "Screw it, lets put everything out there and let the people decide.
There were some seriously cute candles!
...but I'm not paying $25 for one.  Just because they are flame-less, and when you turn it on there is a fan that makes the sparkles inside one fly around, and on another it makes little ghosts and skeletons chase each other.  I WILL NOT pay that much for them!  NO SIR!  (OK, I really really want one, but just can't justify $25 on something I'm going to put up once a year-oh wait how much was our Christmas tree?)

I'm actually excited for Christmas this year.  I was excited last year too.(I think)  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

Anywho, I just wanted to come on here, let you all know (all one of you-Hubby Poo :D ;) ) that I'm still alive, and still (un)actively blogging.  LOL

Feel the BUUURRRRRRRNNNNNN

Been a while since I've come here, as often is the case.  Blogging seems to come and go for me, not that I don't enjoy it, but with the way I'm so sporadic about it, you wouldn't think I actually like it.

Lately I've been dealing with the realization that I have some kind of nerve damage in my left thigh.  I don't know what happened, but for the past year it has been getting progressively worse.  It use to only bother me after I worked 4 8-hour days in a row at the nursing home.  Now, I find myself hurting after just one day at the hospital.
Since I've made the decision to actually GO to the doctor about this problem, I've been paying more attention to it.  (Where as before I was trying to ignore it, because I figured my legs were just fatigued.) I want to get an accurate account of what it really and truly feels like so I can tell the doctor what is going on.  Most of the time, it's just numb, and if I'm just sitting it doesn't feel like (much of) anything.  However, at work, by the time my shift is over, it feels like water is dripping on that part of my leg.  There are times when I look down at my leg and will actually put my hand on it to make sure it's not wet, because it feels wet.  Just to let you know, it's never been wet.  This is what started to concern me.  I'd never heard of this sensation-in fact it just may be something that I end up googling now, because I'm thinking of it.
During discharge instructions I tell my patients "If you experience any numbness, tingling, or loss/change of sensation seek immediate medical attention."  What would I tell my patient if they described this?  There lies the problem-I'm not one of my patients, and I never take my own advice.
Anywho...back to it.
So, as I've been working 12 (read 13+) hour shifts, the sensation in my leg has changed.

• There is a spot on my leg that is completely numb
• There is a spot on my leg that itches ALL...THE....TIME....
• It now burns when I wear shorts.  This just started yesterday (that I've noticed)  I put on a pair of shorts to go to the store, and noticed that every time I would take a step, right where the bottom of the shorts leg hit my leg it felt on fire.
• Wearing pants doesn't cause the area to burn like shorts.  Then again, the only pants that I wear are scrubs, which are light weight.
• I woke up this morning with my leg feeling like it was on fire.  :(  

I don't know if it's been happening long, or if I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I know what I'm feeling, and I don't like it.  

I wish I had never made the decision to pay attention to it, because now that I have, it's like it's screaming at me LOOK AT ME!!!!  I'M HERE!!!! SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!

Sadly, I'm torn. 

I don't want to do anything about it, because I'm afraid I'm going to be told that I can't work any more in my chosen field.  I'm afraid they are going to tell me that I have to get off my feet.  I'm a nurse, how can I get off my feet?  I'm also afraid they'll tell me it's OK to work, but that I need to start taking medication.  I can't pass meds while I'm taking narcotics!  Even if they don't give me narcotics, there are other medications that can cause sedation until your body gets use to it.  I don't have the time or money to not work until "I'm use to it".

But, that's my mind running wild right?  I have not even GONE to the doctor.  Not even to the walk-in clinic.

So  I'm going to call a doctor office today, and attempt to set up an appointment.  That means it'll be a few months from now, because I'll either be a "new patient" or if I go back to the Health Clinic-well, it's a Health Dept Clinic, all their appointments are far out into the future.

It's all very disconcerting to me.

The other side is go to the doctor (as I said I would do) and take care of the problem.  I don't want to have to deal with my leg feeling like it's on fire every time I wear shorts.  Holy cow, I would have to live in my Capri's.  I don't particularly want to wear them all the time,  Girls camp is coming up, and I will need to wear shorts there.  Don't know how well that'll go over-probably do what I always do, push it to the side and ignore the pain.  

Well, on to the days list of things to do.  

Yes, calling and making a doctors appointment is on the top of that list.  (but I did rip up that list after finding out the doctor I planned on calling was part of the county health clinics-I still have the shreds of a list here though.)

Frustration sucks.

Things that break my heart

As it is the Christmas season, most of the time I'm happy.  Shoot, most of the time I'm pretty freakin' happy!  I have an awesome life.  I have beautiful children, a loving husband, a job in a career I love, dogs, cats, guinea pigs, hamster, fish, a roof over my head, food in our belly's and electricity to make the lights on the tree light up.  
However, there are things that are weighing heavy on my heart lately.
1. Recently my sister has come into some...well, we'll just say domestic issues.  My husband and I offered her a way out, and a place to stay while the 'issue' was resolved.  She has accepted twice, and turned us down 3 times.  :(  She is an adult, she can make her own decisions, but I hope for the sake of her son she makes the right one.
2. My mom's dog passed away this past weekend.  She had to be rushed in for emergency surgery, and when they opened her up, she was full of tumors.  My mom had to make the very difficult decision to just have her put down while she was still on the operating table.  This is extra hard for us, because we lost our family dog almost the same exact way.
3. Telling my patients/residents that I have accepted a position at a different facility.
4. Telling my sister that I can't afford to bring her down for 3 weeks while her son is at his fathers house for Christmas.
5. Being the big sister.

All of these things RIGHT NOW going on break my heart.
I told my husband this morning that I don't wanna be the big sister any more.  I don't want to fix anything any more.

  Just for today. 

 Let me have today to not worry about anything other than just my family.  My small (hey, it's small to me) family of 6 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, 1 hamster, and fluctuating number of fish.  I want to be mom and wife today.
This by no means is a statement of uncaring.  I care a lot.  I care way too much-is that possible?  I care a lot for these people in my life who are driving me cra....OMGosh, the laptop is now dis-functioning.  I can't finish that word, because the button for the letter that comes next in that word isn't working.

This week I have a mini-vacation from my soon to be old place of employment.  Yup! I've accepted employment elsewhere.  I'm not publicly announcing my disembarking because I want it to be final (sorry, can't write the word that I really want, because of that darn button!) and concrete before I make it "Facebook official".  Any-who, back to what I was getting at...I have so much to do this week before my vacation is over.  College stuff to get situated; for both me and my oldest, grocery shopping, asking the bank why my daughters "free" checking account was charged $15, calling about my student loans, getting everyone in to the dentist before we lose our insurance, calling other employment recruiters to rescind my application for employment.  I think Thursday I will...oh, wait, nope.  I have a pre-employment appointment at my new employer.  I will probably get a break next week when I have the equivalent of a long weekend off before I begin orientation on December 15.

OH! #6...the conflict at seminary...the ongoing conflict.  People trying to butt heads and the huge pissing war.  I thought we were adults?    I seriously thought we were adults trying to teach the children, and not a bunch of selfish people.  We are suppose to be creating spiritual wellness for our children, not petty choose sides crap.

As I sit here, I could probably think of more and more stuff to fill the "what breaks my heart" list.  today it just seems is a very break my heart kind of day.

So, with that muddled mess, and my heart feeling even more heavy today than normal, and what I thought would be cathartic, getting it off my chest, is clearly not.  So, I'll be going about my day.  Planning my trip so I can hit everything in one swoop around the city.  Ending of course with grocery shopping, don't wanna run errands in Florida with groceries in the car.  Sometimes, I miss being able to put my pop out in the snow rather than the fridge.  Snow is the perfect temperature for pop.  Seriously!

Oh, yeah, and on a completely different note, completely away from any kind of thought I've had here today...How the HECK did Fargo get nominated for any kind of award?  I understand how the female lead may have won something, but that's it.  I was so disappointed in this movie.  Holy Cow...for real people?  I mean, even for 1996 they could've done better, and with those high level of actors?  SERIOUSLY?  I found nothing about that movie entertaining.  NOTHING.

so, on that note.

Honey, 403.  :D

NOC life

"...remember, you treat her like a lady, and she'll always bring you home" -Bones

So, here I am.  Trying to figure out what to watch while I waste away the hours of over night.  My day was slept away.  I have been drinking less caffeine during the nights at work, so when I get home I'm not as completely wired, so I don't stay up all day.  I've been known to stay up until 2 pm in the past month, and then in order to even get sleepy I'm resorting to an off-brand PM medication.  After all this process, I'm completely exhausted when I wake up, and then the cycle starts again with drinking caffeine to arouse my body into a wakeful state.  Anywho-today I slept a good chunk of my day away.  I didn't plan on it, because, well, quite frankly I actually like my family and spending time with them.  I like sitting around doing nothing with them, even if that's all we do.  We don't have to go anywhere to enjoy being together, we, as a family, actually like being home together.  I KNOW!!! SHOCKER!!!!

So, back to me-because it's all about me.  ME ME MEEEEE.

Seriously, right now it is literally me. Watching Star Trek TNG by myself.  My own dog doesn't even want to come over here.  He's all wrapped up in his own curl of doggie-ness.  All 4 of my kids are sleeping IN THEIR OWN BEDS!  WOOT! and of course hubby-poo is in bed sleeping also.  The younger 2 will be getting up in about 2 hours for school.  The 16 year old doesn't have school today.  Ahh, the complexities of having children in private school.   Bank holidays, like Veterans Day, are no longer stay at home days.  It has become just an other day of school.  Working over nights I truthfully have no idea when a day is a holiday.  I thought today (Tuesday, November 11, 2014) was just another day. I don't remember dates well any more.  I didn't realize that it was 11-11.  Sure, the last night I worked I may have written 11-10 on everything, but that doesn't mean I really *know* what day of the week it is, or even what the true date is.  I go into work on one day and instantly begin writing the next day.  If it's the 2nd, I'm writing the 3rd.  Working night shift completely screws with the mind.  I have a complete love/hate relationship with my chosen shift.  

We get to see people at their worst.  For some reason, things are worse at night.  Fevers, illnesses, sun-downers, full moons.  It all adds up.  Sure, some of these things can happen on day shift, and they often do.  In fact, that's when you hear about this stuff happening.  But, what you don't hear about is how we deal with it, how we, the night shift have to deal with these things.  How a fever is treated with out calling a doctor.  How sun downers are redirected with out calling family members to come and sit with their loved ones.  

Now, don't think I'm committing anything illegal here, there are standing orders for things like fevers and such.  Yes, we do let family and doctors know, but there are things that can wait until morning.  Things that yes, if I were working day shift, and people are awake, that I could totally call the doctor for, or things that I could call the family for right then and there, because they are awake.  Working the night shift has taught me to use my own nursing judgement.  Day shift, yes you are doing nursing stuff, and have to use your nursing abilities, but, because I have less resources at night, I have to rely on myself to find the answers.  

Myself.

******Before I get all kinds of slack, I am NOT NOT NOT defacing or debacing my fellow nurses who work during the normal waking hours of normal people.******

That is scary and invigorating to me at the same time.  Seriously.  Me.  Amber.  Mother of 4. Nurse to 34.  HOLY CRAP!

I have to pull on my 2 years of nursing school, 20 years of healthcare, and 19 years of motherhood to get me and my patients through the night.  Most nights are completely smooth.  Most nights I don't need to pull on my major experience.  I do my assessments, which, yes, I learned in nursing school, so yes, technically every night I have to draw on that.  It's the nights when people decide to go walking, lose their balance, and hit the floor; it's nights when people decide that they need to succumb to their illness that they really need me to be a good nurse.  These are the moments I look back on and think about my abilities.  Stopping blood flow from a pulled out dialysis catheter, because my demented patient didn't know what it was.  Doing CPR on a patient because, well, that's what we do when they need CPR.  Doing neuro checks because someone fell.  All these things happen, have happened, and I'm sure will happen again.  But, these are the things that I don't have resources for other than myself and my fellow night nurses.  

We don't have management at night.  We don't have the luxury of being able to pass on something to our unit managers, we have to take care of things ourselves.  We are our own little working system, and I'm not sure at this point I would have it any other way.

"Only fools, have no fears."-Worf