The waiting game....

So much is hanging in the balance right now.
SO. MUCH.
Stephanie is suppose to leave Monday afternoon to go to Utah.
I may have to be at work all weekend. (like....at work, not leaving.)
We may have to evacuate.
We may  not have to evacuate.

All because of Irma.
Beautiful hurricane Irma.  Lets not deny her of her beauty.  Her eye wall is so well defined, and the way her cloud cover is holding up against the mountains of Haiti and Dominican Republic is amazing, and awe inspiring.

However, her destructive behavior is like a woman scorned on a drunken meth induced bender.

So, we wait.
And things get cancelled.
School, college, temple trips, Stephanie's open house, maybe Stephanie's flight.
And things get planned.
Evacuation stuffs: food, water, toiletries, bedding, clothes, the animals, shelter.
All this stuff I get to worry about while I'm at work. This will be our first evacuation without me. I trust that my husband will have everything under control-and we've already threatened my children's lives to be on their best behavior and comply (Like good little Borg drones.)

To say I'm nervous would be an understatement.
To say I'm worried wouldn't be a complete lie.

I have to work tonight, so I need to sleep, but the mom inside me is screaming to get the food rations in order.
No, I take that back.
I feel like I should be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off screaming and yelling, forcing the children awake as they watch me divvy up their food rations.  I don't want them to have any say in what they get, I just want them to watch so they know it's done.  I also just want them to be awake and spend time with me, so I can make sure that here in this moment, they know that I know they are ok-even if it's just for this moment.

The not knowing is killing me.

El año de la murte

So, this is how I do it huh?

Every year or so, make a blog posting, saying I'm gonna change my world,only to come back a year later in the same boat, or like this year a little worse off.
This year is barely half over, And my family has experienced a lot of death. The year started with my step-mom. It was hard. We were close at one point, but I'm not sure what happened completely, but in the end, we were mending our relationship,she had apologized for things she thought was her fault, and I forgave her, even if they were things I feel she didn't do.  She was is my parent, and I love her deeply.

My step-grandpa died, my moms cousin died, my aunts brother died, and that is just family. I have friends who have lost one of their parents.  This year is "El año de la muerte". I'm afraid for the rest of the year.

I don't want to be a tally mark for the year.

I don't want my husband to be a tally mark for the year.

and I most certainly don't want my children to be a tally mark.

TIME FOR CHANGE:
There has been a shift in my mind. I no longer crave instant gratification. I realize things take time, and that there is joy in the progress.
I'm hoping this is a permanent change in my mentality.  I'm fighting to keep it that way, acting as such daily since my mind flip.
So, in a year in a half, when I come back (you know that's my m.o.) I want to be able to say I changed, not the same 'ole same 'ole.

Here's to hopefulness!

Wedding Day!

So, it's finally here.
The wedding that took an 8 year divorce.
Austin and Kieran are finally getting hitched.
(I told you, give me some slack on this day after thing. LOL)
It. Was. Beautiful.
Kieran did the whole thing herself. Flowers, decorations, food. Every last thing.

Austin's best friend from like, third grade was the officiant.  It was difficult, because both guys started to get emotional.  Me? I lose it when men lose it, but when one of those are my brothers.../sigh.  I didn't have a chance.

There was dinner, dancing, more dancing, of yeah, and booze.  Plenty of booze. There was "the grog of our lives".  This was a mixture of liquor from the areas that affected their life. I liked the idea, but since I don't drink, I didn't get any grog of life. (LOL, the name cracks me up) there was a "virgin grog" they said tasted the same, so I'll just take their word for it.

No one got inappropriately drunk. (Sorry Zadi) but it was wonderful, and I wish my whole family would've been there, and not just me.

I would've liked to dance with my husband.

But I digress.

Today's tally-
Austin and Kieran: infinite
Amber: 1 (I got to be there)
Sappy happy stuff: 3
Sappy sad stuff: 1

A trip of 490 miles begins with actually getting in the car.

Some family trips are for fun, some are for business. Today's trip was for business. (Well, yesterday, give me a break, I was (am) exhausted.
After my flights of....well, terror: I got to sit in the car for about ten hours with my sister mom, and step dad.  Wasn't too too bad, but going back makes me wanna jump on a greyhound from here. I know that's not reasonable, but between the flights and the ride....I'm ready to deal with the homeless people at the bus station.

It started off ok until we had to brake. Mom, please still sooner!  When Ashley says brake lights increasingly louder, please stop.... Please.

There was a speed trap in Indianapolis.  It was like....whoa. LOL. There were at least 8 people pulled over, and more police rushing to pull people over as we went under an overpass.  It was kinda scary, glad we didn't get pulled over.

Then, I-69 ended and we had to go am a surface highway for a few hours.
My step-dad wanted to know why we left the freeway. He was convinced that Google and Waze were taking the shortest distance, not the shortest time.. We tried to explain about settings, and how it uses real time information, but we were wrong and adding time onto our trip.
We stopped and had a really yummy lunch. Got the stare down from a few geese. I listened to music because I could hear people chewing-not their fault-they were eating. And then we packed up and grandpa drove.
...
...
The weaving in and out of traffic dramatically.  Freaking out because "what left? There's no left? Don't tell me a mile away I don't know" and then "you need to tell me in advance, I can't do real quick"
/facepalm

One fun thing my mom, sister, and I did was texting gibberish to each other.  That was fun.  (Typing in a word then seeing where your suggested words take you)

We made it to the base. Gate 4. I had to get my background check but the Florida DMV services weren't working.... 😕. Thankfully my ssn worked. We checked in, got our room assignment and found out is on the second floor.
Let the bickering begin!
"What do you mean the elevators don't work?"
"How are we gonna get out stuff up the stairs?"
"Don't they have people to help with that?"
"How am I gonna get up the stairs?"
We pull into a prime parking spot and I asked them to pop the truck. My sister says "why don't we see where the room is ?" I told her: it's the last room, so there are no other rooms, and since we know it's upstairs, why waste the trip?.  I grabbed the cooler (the heaviest of the stuff) and hauled it blindly to our room.
I was sick of hearing it.  Just grab the crap and go. We don't have the luxury of another room.
After we get settled, I wiped 2 days of travel off my body and put my pajamas on...only to ask my brother if they needed help setting up.  He says if we wanted to. 😕.
Me, my mom and Ashley went to help.
It wasn't a bad time, but I disappointed my brother by my girls not being there.  I'm not saying he didn't understand, but he was disappointed. I mean, he was disappointed when found out Imzadi wasn't going to be there, and now his nieces were not coming. 😢

The venue is beautiful. Austin and Kieran did a great job.

Misery: 1
Disappointment: 2
Annoyance: 4
Amusement (Amber): 1

Day one of the rest of my life...

They say things happen for a reason; but when you're the reason, and it's negative, it's time to do something about it.

A few days ago I started a food journal.  If I put it in my mouth, it goes on the paper.

I've started to question my choice in nursing.  I don't feel passionate about ortho. I don't think anyone does, seriously.  I've been in ortho for a while, I mean, the rehab center was for just that-joint surgeries.  It's time for a change! Now, what to do...

Yesterday I flew from Tampa to Charlotte, them Charlotte to Detroit.  I thought for sure I was a goner over Canada.  OMGosh it was really bad.
The realization that I seriously thought it was a possibility of crashing in Canada, and then probably being smashed and gnarled and chopped up the wind turbines-it makes a girl think.  It was so bad, I texted my Parm'ma'kai, even though I knew it wouldn't go through, I wanted him to know that I love him. 

I got to my mom's, and well, my family will tell you, I'm not a nice person when I'm tired. 5 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period....  So i ate dinner (Ella made tacos, they were amazing! Thank you Ella!). After eating I called the girls to say good night.  I fell asleep talking top the last 3.  So afterwards I went to sleep listening to the hockey game (thank you Zsusanna for the head phones.

So, here I am, awake at 0230am.  Contemplating "what's up".  Well....It's all about to change.  2016 is the year I pull my head out of my butt and take a look around.

Talley the score:   me: 0
                               Misery: 5

And that was only day one... Or was it... I don't know, but I'm saying day one.

I'm gonna try to go back to bed, it is after all 0300.'

These are the voyages of the Earthship, Amberprise

Sometimes, just sometimes, have to sit back and weather the storms that throws our way. 
First contact with other species (friendship).
Diplomatic missions (home/visiting teaching).
Away missions (work).
Ten forward (keeping up with the Jones's)
The Bridge (brain/emotional control)

The Battle bridge.

This is where I have spent the last 3 days.  The battle bridge.
Preparing for a battle, fighting a battle, licking my wounds, tending my pride, and my heart.
The battle bridge; where you can do the same exact stuff as in the regular Bridge, only with more feeling, and more gusto!

This is from October...Not sure why it didn't publish.
What was I trying to say, or not say by not publishing it. 
Sometimes I have no idea.

Early morning cuddles

Gator. LOL, he is my buddy.