Day one of the rest of my life...

They say things happen for a reason; but when you're the reason, and it's negative, it's time to do something about it.

A few days ago I started a food journal.  If I put it in my mouth, it goes on the paper.

I've started to question my choice in nursing.  I don't feel passionate about ortho. I don't think anyone does, seriously.  I've been in ortho for a while, I mean, the rehab center was for just that-joint surgeries.  It's time for a change! Now, what to do...

Yesterday I flew from Tampa to Charlotte, them Charlotte to Detroit.  I thought for sure I was a goner over Canada.  OMGosh it was really bad.
The realization that I seriously thought it was a possibility of crashing in Canada, and then probably being smashed and gnarled and chopped up the wind turbines-it makes a girl think.  It was so bad, I texted my Parm'ma'kai, even though I knew it wouldn't go through, I wanted him to know that I love him. 

I got to my mom's, and well, my family will tell you, I'm not a nice person when I'm tired. 5 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period....  So i ate dinner (Ella made tacos, they were amazing! Thank you Ella!). After eating I called the girls to say good night.  I fell asleep talking top the last 3.  So afterwards I went to sleep listening to the hockey game (thank you Zsusanna for the head phones.

So, here I am, awake at 0230am.  Contemplating "what's up".  Well....It's all about to change.  2016 is the year I pull my head out of my butt and take a look around.

Talley the score:   me: 0
                               Misery: 5

And that was only day one... Or was it... I don't know, but I'm saying day one.

I'm gonna try to go back to bed, it is after all 0300.'

These are the voyages of the Earthship, Amberprise

Sometimes, just sometimes, have to sit back and weather the storms that throws our way. 
First contact with other species (friendship).
Diplomatic missions (home/visiting teaching).
Away missions (work).
Ten forward (keeping up with the Jones's)
The Bridge (brain/emotional control)

The Battle bridge.

This is where I have spent the last 3 days.  The battle bridge.
Preparing for a battle, fighting a battle, licking my wounds, tending my pride, and my heart.
The battle bridge; where you can do the same exact stuff as in the regular Bridge, only with more feeling, and more gusto!

This is from October...Not sure why it didn't publish.
What was I trying to say, or not say by not publishing it. 
Sometimes I have no idea.

Early morning cuddles

Gator. LOL, he is my buddy.

Children are precious little reminders that life is not fair.

Today...what can I say about today...It's only 8am and I've already been overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and at a loss.
I didn't take anything to help me sleep last night, yet when I woke up this morning, I just couldn't get up at first.  I sat on the side of the bed thinking about how tired I was.  Bill even asked me if I wanted him to take the girls to seminary.  No, this is my ritual.  My time with the girls in the morning.  I got up, stumbled dressed, and made my way out of the door.  I didn't make a scene, because it's early, no one wants to deal with my nonsense.
Get out the door, get into the car.  Stephanie has the headlights on, but the car is off.  Proceed to explain to her that it sucks the battery down, and she should always turn the car on first, and to make a long story short, I also explained that the car needs to circulate the oil through the engine before you just take off.

Drove to pick up the boy we pick up for seminary-gladly didn't feel like I was going to die at the hand of my 17 year old driving a projectile weapon.  However, it was conversations that happened, that allowed me to think that perhaps an accident would be ok, because at least then I wouldn't have to listen to 15 year old logic, because I would be in a completely different room.  (Of course then the mother in me kicks in and thinks how terrible of a mother I am for even considering this, because of course at that point I wouldn't be worried about my own health, and happy to be away from my children, but instead worrying about them, and wanting to be with them to make sure I'm there to oversee anything that is done to them, because after all, even though I want to hang them by their toe nails from the tree out back like a deer, I really do love them and don't REALLY want anything bad to happen to them.)

15 year old logic.  (OK, ok, she'll be 15 in 12 days.)  15 year old logic says that I should NOT be a parent to other peoples kids, and should just let things go, and let nature take it's course. (not her words, my interpretation)  I should not inform other parents of things I "found out" based on what a 17 year old says.  I'm just a horrible horrible person I guess.

Drop kids off at seminary.  Say good bye to all 3 kids, say see you tomorrow morning to the boy I pick up, and he looks at me like "huh?"  Then I realize that I normally say "Have a good day" and wonder if my change in words has aflicted him in some weird way.  Try to say bye to Stephanie, but she doesn't wanna be late, and my own brain fart made me late on telling her "I love you see you after school".  I also was thinking that I needed to speak with 15 year old logic girl, but realize they have 3 minutes before seminary starts, so I had to make it quick.  Overwhelming time crunch came down on me at that moment, and obliterated everything in my mind.  I looked at Brina and said "What's wrong"  (this in our house is a no-no with her.  This is when ADHD is not your friend, because the no-no can of worms is HUGE.)  She went on her speal for a few minutes and I told her "We'll talk about this later at home." and I reminded her that she is grounded and not going to her volleyball game because (surprise surprise) she has a D, no wait, she has TWO D's.  As she's walking away she is trying to explain P.E. class to which I say, just be there when I pick you up after school, to which she replies "I still need spandex"  What?  What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?  SERIOUSLY!!!!  Did I miss something? because for sure I wasn't in this conversation she was having.  I must have slipped into a time warp, or fell into a worm hole and went missing...something, because....I love my children...I love my children.

"Bye Brina, I love you."

I'm going to the gym.  I have my arm band, I have my headphones, I have my water, I have my key.  Where's my key?  OH....MY.....HOLY....CRAP....WHAT. THE. CRAP.  /smash head into wall.
My gym key is on my key chain at home, hanging in the kitchen on the key thing.  OK, no gym for Amber.  At this point, I had been awake for hour.  A completely frustrating hour.

Drive to Walgreen's, get morning drinkage with not much incident.

Come home, get Shelby up without much incident.

drive her to school without much incident.

get on Facebook and lose track of time with out much incident.

I really hope the rest of the day is without incident, because I'm not sure I can handle any more crap right now.

Although things I need to do:
1. Shop for car insurance.
2. Crochet
3.  Watch Voyager

2 of those 3 things are awesome, the other-not so much.

On that note....I'm walking away people...walking away.  Maybe I'll make myself some breakfast-or something.

Christmas in August

I know, it's now September, but seriously it was just August yesterday.

Went to Kmart yesterday with my husband and oldest daughter to get a few things, and found the Halloween section.  It was, of course and most properly, right across the aisle from the Christmas decorations.  The lawn chairs were also most properly facing the Christmas decorations, which were in turn flanked by Halloween candles, and Thanksgiving decorations.  I think Kmart said "Screw it, lets put everything out there and let the people decide.
There were some seriously cute candles!
...but I'm not paying $25 for one.  Just because they are flame-less, and when you turn it on there is a fan that makes the sparkles inside one fly around, and on another it makes little ghosts and skeletons chase each other.  I WILL NOT pay that much for them!  NO SIR!  (OK, I really really want one, but just can't justify $25 on something I'm going to put up once a year-oh wait how much was our Christmas tree?)

I'm actually excited for Christmas this year.  I was excited last year too.(I think)  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

Anywho, I just wanted to come on here, let you all know (all one of you-Hubby Poo :D ;) ) that I'm still alive, and still (un)actively blogging.  LOL

Feel the BUUURRRRRRRNNNNNN

Been a while since I've come here, as often is the case.  Blogging seems to come and go for me, not that I don't enjoy it, but with the way I'm so sporadic about it, you wouldn't think I actually like it.

Lately I've been dealing with the realization that I have some kind of nerve damage in my left thigh.  I don't know what happened, but for the past year it has been getting progressively worse.  It use to only bother me after I worked 4 8-hour days in a row at the nursing home.  Now, I find myself hurting after just one day at the hospital.
Since I've made the decision to actually GO to the doctor about this problem, I've been paying more attention to it.  (Where as before I was trying to ignore it, because I figured my legs were just fatigued.) I want to get an accurate account of what it really and truly feels like so I can tell the doctor what is going on.  Most of the time, it's just numb, and if I'm just sitting it doesn't feel like (much of) anything.  However, at work, by the time my shift is over, it feels like water is dripping on that part of my leg.  There are times when I look down at my leg and will actually put my hand on it to make sure it's not wet, because it feels wet.  Just to let you know, it's never been wet.  This is what started to concern me.  I'd never heard of this sensation-in fact it just may be something that I end up googling now, because I'm thinking of it.
During discharge instructions I tell my patients "If you experience any numbness, tingling, or loss/change of sensation seek immediate medical attention."  What would I tell my patient if they described this?  There lies the problem-I'm not one of my patients, and I never take my own advice.
Anywho...back to it.
So, as I've been working 12 (read 13+) hour shifts, the sensation in my leg has changed.

• There is a spot on my leg that is completely numb
• There is a spot on my leg that itches ALL...THE....TIME....
• It now burns when I wear shorts.  This just started yesterday (that I've noticed)  I put on a pair of shorts to go to the store, and noticed that every time I would take a step, right where the bottom of the shorts leg hit my leg it felt on fire.
• Wearing pants doesn't cause the area to burn like shorts.  Then again, the only pants that I wear are scrubs, which are light weight.
• I woke up this morning with my leg feeling like it was on fire.  :(  

I don't know if it's been happening long, or if I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I know what I'm feeling, and I don't like it.  

I wish I had never made the decision to pay attention to it, because now that I have, it's like it's screaming at me LOOK AT ME!!!!  I'M HERE!!!! SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!

Sadly, I'm torn. 

I don't want to do anything about it, because I'm afraid I'm going to be told that I can't work any more in my chosen field.  I'm afraid they are going to tell me that I have to get off my feet.  I'm a nurse, how can I get off my feet?  I'm also afraid they'll tell me it's OK to work, but that I need to start taking medication.  I can't pass meds while I'm taking narcotics!  Even if they don't give me narcotics, there are other medications that can cause sedation until your body gets use to it.  I don't have the time or money to not work until "I'm use to it".

But, that's my mind running wild right?  I have not even GONE to the doctor.  Not even to the walk-in clinic.

So  I'm going to call a doctor office today, and attempt to set up an appointment.  That means it'll be a few months from now, because I'll either be a "new patient" or if I go back to the Health Clinic-well, it's a Health Dept Clinic, all their appointments are far out into the future.

It's all very disconcerting to me.

The other side is go to the doctor (as I said I would do) and take care of the problem.  I don't want to have to deal with my leg feeling like it's on fire every time I wear shorts.  Holy cow, I would have to live in my Capri's.  I don't particularly want to wear them all the time,  Girls camp is coming up, and I will need to wear shorts there.  Don't know how well that'll go over-probably do what I always do, push it to the side and ignore the pain.  

Well, on to the days list of things to do.  

Yes, calling and making a doctors appointment is on the top of that list.  (but I did rip up that list after finding out the doctor I planned on calling was part of the county health clinics-I still have the shreds of a list here though.)

Frustration sucks.

Things that break my heart

As it is the Christmas season, most of the time I'm happy.  Shoot, most of the time I'm pretty freakin' happy!  I have an awesome life.  I have beautiful children, a loving husband, a job in a career I love, dogs, cats, guinea pigs, hamster, fish, a roof over my head, food in our belly's and electricity to make the lights on the tree light up.  
However, there are things that are weighing heavy on my heart lately.
1. Recently my sister has come into some...well, we'll just say domestic issues.  My husband and I offered her a way out, and a place to stay while the 'issue' was resolved.  She has accepted twice, and turned us down 3 times.  :(  She is an adult, she can make her own decisions, but I hope for the sake of her son she makes the right one.
2. My mom's dog passed away this past weekend.  She had to be rushed in for emergency surgery, and when they opened her up, she was full of tumors.  My mom had to make the very difficult decision to just have her put down while she was still on the operating table.  This is extra hard for us, because we lost our family dog almost the same exact way.
3. Telling my patients/residents that I have accepted a position at a different facility.
4. Telling my sister that I can't afford to bring her down for 3 weeks while her son is at his fathers house for Christmas.
5. Being the big sister.

All of these things RIGHT NOW going on break my heart.
I told my husband this morning that I don't wanna be the big sister any more.  I don't want to fix anything any more.

  Just for today. 

 Let me have today to not worry about anything other than just my family.  My small (hey, it's small to me) family of 6 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, 1 hamster, and fluctuating number of fish.  I want to be mom and wife today.
This by no means is a statement of uncaring.  I care a lot.  I care way too much-is that possible?  I care a lot for these people in my life who are driving me cra....OMGosh, the laptop is now dis-functioning.  I can't finish that word, because the button for the letter that comes next in that word isn't working.

This week I have a mini-vacation from my soon to be old place of employment.  Yup! I've accepted employment elsewhere.  I'm not publicly announcing my disembarking because I want it to be final (sorry, can't write the word that I really want, because of that darn button!) and concrete before I make it "Facebook official".  Any-who, back to what I was getting at...I have so much to do this week before my vacation is over.  College stuff to get situated; for both me and my oldest, grocery shopping, asking the bank why my daughters "free" checking account was charged $15, calling about my student loans, getting everyone in to the dentist before we lose our insurance, calling other employment recruiters to rescind my application for employment.  I think Thursday I will...oh, wait, nope.  I have a pre-employment appointment at my new employer.  I will probably get a break next week when I have the equivalent of a long weekend off before I begin orientation on December 15.

OH! #6...the conflict at seminary...the ongoing conflict.  People trying to butt heads and the huge pissing war.  I thought we were adults?    I seriously thought we were adults trying to teach the children, and not a bunch of selfish people.  We are suppose to be creating spiritual wellness for our children, not petty choose sides crap.

As I sit here, I could probably think of more and more stuff to fill the "what breaks my heart" list.  today it just seems is a very break my heart kind of day.

So, with that muddled mess, and my heart feeling even more heavy today than normal, and what I thought would be cathartic, getting it off my chest, is clearly not.  So, I'll be going about my day.  Planning my trip so I can hit everything in one swoop around the city.  Ending of course with grocery shopping, don't wanna run errands in Florida with groceries in the car.  Sometimes, I miss being able to put my pop out in the snow rather than the fridge.  Snow is the perfect temperature for pop.  Seriously!

Oh, yeah, and on a completely different note, completely away from any kind of thought I've had here today...How the HECK did Fargo get nominated for any kind of award?  I understand how the female lead may have won something, but that's it.  I was so disappointed in this movie.  Holy Cow...for real people?  I mean, even for 1996 they could've done better, and with those high level of actors?  SERIOUSLY?  I found nothing about that movie entertaining.  NOTHING.

so, on that note.

Honey, 403.  :D